Stuck 

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So here I am. In bed with a cup of hot chocolate and reeling from the days events. I know having a good old moan on social media isn’t #inspo but I am feeling lost, stuck and rubbish.

Today I had to go under general anesthesia to do some intense procedures and tests to rule out yet more crap things that my body seems to want to throw at me. I don’t write this to be like, oh you poor thing “you ok hun”. I write this because having it all floating around my head and inside of me is quite literally eating at me.

I mainly wanted to write an update on how my work and illustration is going and I feel like not many illustrators or artists really share online when things are SHIT.

I feel like I am watching the world around me succeed and do well, and I celebrate it I REALLY DO.

DSCF0670But here I am left, days spent in bed, feeling awful about my abilities to create. Feeling like I am not succeeding or getting anywhere. Feeling like everything I create is pointless and just silly and amateur. I feel like a massive imposter and like my work doesn’t do or say anything and I don’t quite know how to go forward with that. I just feel like a massive failure in terms of trying this hard slog of being an illustrator. I have posted to my social media for two years everyday and feel like I am in the exact same position. It feels like no one is really willing to work with me or that I am indeed talented enough to find work. Also feeling like I have had the choice taken from me. I feel like I have been given the bad luck of the draw. I am yet to see what I am supposed to learn from this other than to give up?

I am struggling and feeling like I am fighting every day to make my mark. To be successful. To get published. To get clients. To get a little recognition for all the hard work I have been putting in. And it just seems to be going no where. I have been told that I can’t work. But this goes against what I want and who I am. I want to make something, be successful and be the best I can be. There are just so many obstacles in my way though, that it is hard to know where to start or how to begin. Even the baby steps I am making seem pointless and they are not adding up. People keep telling me it will happen and its just persistance and that pays off. But what I keep asking myself is when? When will I get lucky. I ask for little. I would just like to create everyday and work for myself in an environment that makes me happy and I get to do what I treasure and love. Why does this seem to come with such a heavy price?

I shall write a list of my worries and updates. And I would appreciate any advice there is to give with my work and what steps o can take. Because at the moment I feel shit, like a talentless joke. Like a comedy contestant on xfactor whose friends and family are too polite to say other wise.

I feel stuck in which direction to take things in. I feel like it is such a over saturated market to get into. How do I get my stuff out there? I constantly feel like there is some secret I am not privy to and also feel like a lot of creatives like to keep their tricks hidden as so not to get competition.

Over all I am tired of my health situation and all the unfair hold ups and being held up. I just am at the point of giving up really as it’s not bringing me joy and I feel blocked, stuck and in a loop of throwing all my limited energy at something I dear;y love only for it to fall on deaf ears.

How can I get better and how can I forfill my dream/goals?

Not to be overly dramatic but writing this has made me have a HUGE CRY.

Here are some things I feel:

-Everyone else is taking over the world and getting all these amazing chances. How? What’s the secret?

-What am I doing wrong?

-What if  I am just another creator trying to make it in the big pond

-What if its true that I am actually no good

-Why is everyone else super productive and confident an getting chances

-Is it all just smoke and mirrors, are platforms such as instagram and youtube just showing the best bits. Not these gritty behind the scenes sadness and panic sessions?

IMG_8682I would really love some feedback, even if it’s anonymous and even if it’s not kind. I would just love to get out of this horrible cycle I have found myself in.

I don’t have much energy left to fight anymore and after an awful experience working in a company where you were constantly made to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder and there was no way of climbing up it and that you were/are a terrible designer and creator and are worthless. Well I am feeling that. I am feeling my body giving up on me. And I am just tired. I don’t want to take a break, I do want to push through. But what direction do I take? How do I get over this feeling that everyone else is doing it and I am still making baby steps. I still feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and not good enough to “make it”.

It’s so hard when you are doing it alone and for yourself. I feel lonely here without any type of peers to cheer me on or give me feedback. I long to have a community round me where I can feel my best and work and get inspired and be able to create and get feedback.

SO  I always feel like there is a massive pressure to do something. To be someone and to be succesful. I have a HUGE fear of not doing what i always imagined, not being able to do what I always wanted.

So that’s my update, life you are a shitter sometimes.

 

The lost girls

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DSCF8170 DSCF8171DSCF8171 DSCF8172DSCF8169Ama de casa. House bound and house proud, tied to her home.

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la Marinera Grumpy nautical and lost at see, unable to see the horizon.

DSCF8189 DSCF8197DSCF8193Bubble gum pink, sugar and spice and not all things nice. This lost girl is forever trapped in a little locket looking pretty (grumpy).

DSCF8202 DSCF8203 DSCF8204DSCF8201The redhead. Firey and prone to having a bad temper, especially when made to sit in a traditional portrait frame. She is sulky but strong.

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DSCF8219 DSCF8220Cheerful and sunny. She is not of the sunny disposition and quite likes her own company and staying indoors thank you very much.

DSCF8143 DSCF8145 DSCF8146 DSCF8148DSCF8146Watery and light, always watching and feeling alone. Sad and lonely but always there.

DSCF8155 DSCF8158 DSCF8159 DSCF8162 DSCF8161This girl is happy living in the forest and being wild and free. Rosy cheeks and botanical hair. Wild and free.

DSCF8213DSCF8215DSCF8214 DSCF8215Lost in the wilderness, brambles and leaves forever camouflaged, nature grows in her bones.

DSCF8233 DSCF8234 DSCF8235 DSCF8237 glittergirl Golden girl. When she was good she was very very good. Lost in her own bubble of brilliance. Lethargic and bored this lost girl is captured day dreaming about adventures and better times. She is surrounded by a gold glitter glow but sometimes feels a bit dull in comparison.

DSCF8122DSCF8121 DSCF8122 DSCF8124 DSCF8125This girl is under lots of mean clouds that tell her naughty things, sometimes she ignores them and then sometimes it rains (and really pours!)

Lost girls is a series I created to explore an alternative image of what it is to be a girl. A project of portraits that explore femininity in an alternative way. They also celebrate fragility, differences and a certain darkness that is not always explored in fairy tales. I wanted the illustrations to be an extension of myself and the stories I have within. I also wanted them to be quite imperfect. The series also explores the depression and anxiety that we often suffer due to not being quite perfect enough. They have been hand painted and hand cut out of thick grey card. They are “pocket” sized. A pocket sized alternative princess.

They have been painted using water colour, pencil and gouache on thick grey card and have all been hand cut.

They have been listed on my etsy shop but are currently on a special summer flash sale over on my instagram. If you would like to purchase one here then they are around 15€ (around £11).

It has been so therapeutic doing these little projects and bits of art work, as a way of reclaiming who I am a little bit. As I have been unable to work it would also be quite lovely to have a little help, both financially and for my self esteem which is why I have wanted to give a go at trying to sell my stuff.

Sketchbook series v2

As mentioned in my first “Sketchbook series” post I said that I should probably share some pages of my sketchbooks seeing as I am a fond advocate of sketch books and peering into others sketches and pages. It’s a little scary seeing as this sketchbook is actually a few years old now, and you can really tell. My style has changed and developed and turned into something else entirely. Such as a journal or a diary these pages make me a little squeamish, I want to look at them from behind my hands. I feel pretty exposed by sharing these pages as they are in their rawest form without trying to do or be anything.
However it is also interesting and inspiring to take a look into where my head was at whilst creating these pages. It also is a nice reminder of ideas that have laid dormant and are now pleading to be made into better sketches and patterns and the like.

I have been thinking about starting the #100dayproject partly because it forces me to do something everyday, even if it seems silly and scribbly at the time. I want to be more consistent with my work and I also want to stretch my drawing muscle and allow my self to work more freely and not to try so hard to be and draw in a certain way. I can’t promise that it will be 100 consecutive days but I will try my hardest too. I have been posting loads of sketchbook peeks over on instagram using the hashtag #sariesketchbook.

I present you my 2013 self, in sketchbook form. (EEK!)

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