Notes from this week/ Week in photos 13

NEWS FLASH! This weeks series is going to be #REALLIFE. Tune in next week for pretty photos and more fun vibes.
IMG_3749Came cuddles are the best thingIMG_3751IMG_3791Lunch on trays are also good!IMG_3774 IMG_3778Hospital bed selfies (cute gown!)IMG_3781 IMG_3782Weird hospital rooms and hospital “art”.IMG_3811 IMG_3815 IMG_3818Resting view innit (the lovely rain!)IMG_3835

So this week. A bit fat wobble of a week. The word of the week being HOSPITAL. I have been unable to escape it. Recovery also being a word of the week as well as wobble, emotional and useless.

Monday- Hospital appointment with my specialist that was quick and rushed > Home > Bed.
Tuesday- Bed and too tired to even move.
Wednesday- Operation/ Procedure day. Lots of lying on hospital beds and being wheeled about, prodded, scanned and poked. Left feeling in pain, dizzy and tired. They cleaned and swept my left knee with radioactive (!!!!) liquid to clean out all the bad inflammatory cells that attack my joints. My body creates these cells and they are evil. Why? Well we don’t know that yet. Monday is scan day and that will decide whether I have to continue with the same biological treatment as before or whether I will start with a new set of drugs. In the meantime its a waiting game. I am grateful that I am getting listened to and that this is being treated and that I am not just feeling like this is something I have done wrong and its all my fault (weird brain black holes where my thoughts disappear too!) Its also good to realise that this is REAL and not invented and as much as I have tried to hide it from people (especially at work) and am embarrassed by it it is there.
Thursday- Recovering at my inlaws. Being waited on hand and foot and being served food on a tray. Sleepy daze and barely human. I can’t describe how good it feels just to have someone looking after you and caring. I have missed this a lot as I tend just to get on with stuff here and try and ignore that I need that sometimes. I need to be spoilt and have “mimos”. It makes me feel weird to ask for help and I feel guilty that I am putting the other person out.
Friday- Yet more recovering and being spoilt. I got to go home in the evening though and had a dreamy sleep in my own bed with the pup and Borj.
Saturday- Sant Jordi and getting a rose. Also home made pizza club night ( a tradition in this house!).
Sunday- Yet more resting and netflixing and blog reading etc.
SO this week has been a tough one, one where it has made me feel not good enough and where I am the illness I have rather than Sarie who has this illness. I have wobbled and doubted and felt a whole lot of guilt and just felt like it has been too much. A drain on my loved ones and just in general a bit crap and useless. Next week shall be better and I can hopefully start to get out and about a bit more. I have also been quiet with a few of my projects because its ok to fall behind and allow my self time to recover, this doesn’t mean I am a massive failure (note to myself). Also all this time off is justified and medically backed up. Please remember this future Sarie if you are reading this!

So if I have been a crap friend/sister/daughter/colleague then I am sorry, I feel like I let a lot of people down and more than anyone myself.

 

Tick

A quick entry on time.
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I feel years fall like days. And days fall like years. The expression the days are long but the years are short. How apt I find myself thinking.
Everything around me is in constant flux and change is happening yet I feel I am wading through treacle to move the second hand on the clock just a tiny nudge. Life is on pause while everyone is around me getting married, starting families and going on big grand adventures. Whilst my little old body, aged before its time, sits whilst waiting seeps its way into my bones and eats away at them. The feeling of time rotting away at my insides, thick undergrowth and brambles growing around my bones. Making me feel suffocated and stuck. Making it harder to move from as they root me to this very spot.

The talk of change and future plans seem so distant and in the yonder when only spoken about minutes, hours ago, and then if by magic, suddenly those days turn into weeks that form months and then years.

Big heart wrenching occasions pass with the inevitable goodbyes that tug at the strings of my being, slowly pulling me down and making me miss and feel nostalgic for times that haven’t even happened yet.
Times that are spoken about wistfully, times that are spoken about with the gutsy confidence that comes with talking about very distant things gives you. The giddy excitement of a dream, plans and journeys (physical and mental). All spoken about with hope and joy. But its ok because they won’t happen for a while. There is still time, life still has time to happen, we still have so much time to be. Until the day arrives and its happened. And you are in the exact same situation with all those giddy plans but them still being so far out of reach. Hands flailing to catch at them, if you could just run that bit faster. But you can never run fast enough. You can always run a bit more tomorrow, until tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and so on have passed. Groundhog day. Energy rationed out like medicine. One bit today and the rest for another day.
Trapped by those seconds, minutes, hours, days months and years. All of that waiting and that never being. Its all so bittersweet. Trying your very damn hardest to enjoy it whilst it is here, this present. Thinking this could be the moment, this could be it. Although it never feels like it.
Trapped by that waking thought that life is exactly the same as when you last left it. Only the hands on the clock have been around way faster and many many times, there are new faces that look back at your older face. You awake and realise that you are 10 years older and wonder how you have slept walked through it all. Wading through thick syrupy time, eyes open but not really there. How did it happen? So you cling and grab onto little strings that hold you up, grasping at them. Clutching at any flicker of hope of excitement, that there is always some sort of plan waiting in the wings. Living on other peoples time and lives, watching through tired eyes. Happy to be there along for the ride but sad that its never really you. Happy that the ones you love so dearly are doing this thing called living so well. Happy that they spend their time so wisely.
And you wonder when will it be my second, minute, hour, day, month and year? Maybe tomorrow…

This is a little piece I wrote in 5 minutes hunched over my phone, it is what I felt in that moment (and do still feel). I am OK, despite it seeming quite dramatic. I am ok.

Weekly: The good things

fridayfaves

Why hello there FRI-YAY! I wanted to do another little weekly round up of good things to remind me of THE GOOD THINGS in life. I bloody need the remind to be honest. I thought I would try to illustrate them. I had a major melt down paddy at drawing my beloved PJ Harvey. I officially can’t draw PJ. She is too good to put into drawing form (I just ain’t got the skillz). I will be drawing more of my girl-heroes! I have a plenty. Lets not hope I get the strops like this time though…

musica

pj

Oh Polly Jean you sure do own a piece of my black little heart. I have seen her twice in my life, both times amaazing (she was wearing a spice girl dress for one performance!). BUT this album reaches somewhere deep in my marrow and stays there. I love it. It has to be one of the best from the past 5 years if not more. Its so hauntingly beautiful and the lyrics (as always is the case with PJ) are amazing. One of my favourite albums ever and ever so fitting for my weird longing for my isle. Watch all the video’s in this playlist and listen to the full album. It will take you on a journey of an archaic English adventure.
60s

I have always and forever been obsessed with the 1960’s. I kind of wish I was around to document this time and see and feel it with my own eyes. It seems like such an important changeable time. I also just love any of the imagery and iconography that comes with it.

1960s

I obviously have many a image from this era, I shall dedicate a whole blog post to it in time.
But for now check out my pinterest board for more beauts.
Follow Sarie’s board Sixties on Pinterest.

pensandpencils

So this is a dedication to my tools and my deepest love for what they allow me to do and for all things stationary (it says pencils above not penises…)

pencils

Again, this is just a taster of a blog post that is to follow. I want to do one about my favourite tools and pens and pencils that I use as an artist/illustrator/maker/experimenter person. Above is my favourite pen that is from Muji. Its an indian ink filled brush pen thing. So handy and such a time saver. Its my go to pen at the moment and has heavily influenced my work as of late. The other thing pictured is my muji mechanical clicky pencil thing. Its my dream pencil and everything looks better sketched out in it. Also pictured is my beloved ink well. I love love love ink. Its dark splodgy messy marks makes everything look how I imagine it in my head. Had a terrible paddy fit of a day yesterday (as mentioned above…) when nothing comes out of my hands like it is pictured in my head and this makes me SAD and RAGEY. I hate that feeling of uselessness. It has passed though (sort of).

muchomore

I have also been loving and I mean LOVING with all my heart this series on bbc 4. Its about artists. I have reawakened my belief in what is my calling in life and what I should be doing and I don’t think I can let anything get in that way any longer. So inspired and so refreshing, here are two of my very very favourites:

Tracey was (and is still) my hero when I was 15/16/17. Her work seemed to really speak to me visually and meaningfully. I love her so so much. She is such a special weirdo and tells her unique sad and powerful story in such a way. Flaws and all. (thats what makes her so strong).

This makes for a slightly awkward viewing but I love love these two. Brilliance. Watch on the BBC if you are in the UK.

This obvs falls under the musica section however also here because it is so much more:

 

Lastly, here are my current favourite beauty products, will do another PROPER post soon on these but for now here is the illustrated version.

beauty