Week in photos 6

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Notes from this week (jotted down on my phone as they sprung into my head- I like this way of recording thoughts)

-So February you are over. You’ve been a tough month that has been swallowed up into a black hole. I can’t even recall much of your events as you have passed by in such a daze. Waiting for news, getting news and then feeling so switched off from it all. March you will hopefully bring new blooms, better news, and cheerful spring like feelings.

-This past week has been another one of those weeks. Doctors >flat > dog walk> supermarket and drawing. Nothing else. I wish there were more notes from this week. This week I am struggling, this week is hard. This week I have cried when I don’t want and when I do want to cry I have become blocked.  Next week though, next week shall be better. 
-Kindness of strangers Monday found me back at hospital (again- I know!) Whilst sat in the waiting room for what seemed like ever, watching people slowly have their turn and visit the doctor and filter out until I am one of the last. Get chatting to two old ladies, one in a wheel chair, and they were the kindest and sweetest with me. When people genuinely are lovely and compassionate. I keep thinking that this is what makes the world go round. Kindness, especially from strangers. It can make such a big difference. 
-Thinking a lot about self care and acceptance. Accepting that I need to look after and love my self a little more and also stop being so nasty to my self and to rid myself of the guilt of being sick. Also be more accepting of my limitations and illness and give my self a bloody break. I also need to realise that I am a bloody super human for dealing with this stuff by my self (with the help of my boys and others of course) and I still come out of it fighting and wanting better. This all done in a foreign land far away from home.
-Thinking about goals and asking where next. What do I really want out of life? What is best for me? Where do I want to be and also how can I get there and do it. I feel stuck at the moment. Stuck because of health and other worries like being able to work again. And when I am able to work again- how and what. I want to be happier and owe it to myself to do something about it and use my skills and talents and not hide them away and trying to fit in somewhere that makes me unhappy and stressed and really affects my health. After being so sick this year I deserve something good for myself, also it makes you realise how short life is when faced with challenging health issues. I can’t wait around any longer.
-Asking for help and it being ok. It is not failing, it is not going to make the other person feel better than me. Its ok to realise that I have limits and its not my fault.
-Good things (YAY): soups, dog hugs, sweet messages, kindness of strangers, pink bubble baths, lavender oil, scissor shopping, face masks, changing tree’s, clean balcony, making plans, realising I am making progress even if it doesn’t feel like it.
-Brain breakthrough: its about what I am doing and not about the numbers (followers etc), its about slowly achieving bit by bit a body of work and a good community. Lost followers and all the numbers do not match up to this feeling. Slowly but surely building up my work. Stop and take stock, look at the big picture every once in a while. This is a reminder!
-Little things like going off my self and having alone time and getting a hair cut. Makes me feel more human. Making time for myself and wandering alone. Time to think and also time to treat myself.
-Mothers day. I wish I had a choice to turn it all off for a while. It seems like everyone is a mother or becoming one lately and it hurts my little heart that I might not ever be able to or it can’t just happen in one lovely spontaneous surprise. This is a difficult pill to swallow. Not that I hold it against others. My heart is just hurting about all the could be’s, would be’s and should be’s. Then I realise that hopefully one day my time will come. Please stop asking though, as it hurts my heart to be reminded that I am not able to.

Dear October

On the night before Hallowe’en (Hallows eve!) I got a bee in my bonnet about making a halloweenie wreath. I had exactly what I wanted to do in mind, it needed to be dark and creepy and deathly. I always start these monstrous tasks without thinking about the sheer amount of time it takes. So after hand drawing each element and then having the task of cutting it out (a new found technique that I am adopting- a real life photoshop if you like) and then placing it onto the board to photograph. I am yet to scan and work with each element but I am  so pleased with the effect. I also love spooky ghoulish stuff. I love the macabre and the eerie every day of the year, not just for halloween. I love vampires, zombies and old halloween iconography (old masks, eerie animals and dolls). I look forward to creating more of these in the future for different celebrations. Everything should be celebrated with nature and hanging up wreaths.

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So October. You have turned into November with a flurry of emotions and bad (good) weather. What a month. Its been one of my worse, thats for sure. I am still quite sick (an understatement). Keeping my everything crossed that I am going to get better soon.

You have been up and down, trialing new treatment. You have seen me in and out of hospital (my admiration of doctors and nurses has grown so much). You have also seen me try and get out of this ill slump and believe in myself a little more creatively.

You have been wonderful dog walks, watching the leaves turn and the nights draw in sooner. Duvets back on the bed, cups of tea and lots of rain. Pink skies at night and enjoying being inside a lot. Lots of soups have already been cooked on the stove. Dark lipstick has graced my lips and jackets have been pulled out. You have been so very happy and sad at the same time. You have been watching series on the sofa under blankets. You have been a slow quiet month. Sometimes they are the most tiring. October you have made me feel lonely this year. Heres to November!

 

200 days of 30 years.

A bit misleading the title maybe. However today marks the 200th day of my 30th year on this planet. I will dedicate a 30th learnings in a separate post however I wanted to celebrate reaching my 200th day. 200 days of learning, struggling, fighting, living, enjoying, loving, laughing, travelling, working and in general being.

As if to remind me that its all the small little details in life my body has decided to slow right down, as you know if you are a regular reader and know me irl, you will know that I have spent most of two-thousand-and-fifteen in pain and suffering with a flare up/brote (flare up in spanish). We (my medical team and I) are working hard to get it all under control and I am having to trial new drugs and things to make my body be a bit kinder. It has given me a lot of time to reflect and re-evaluate what I want out of my little life. Any way, moving on. Lets celebrate these sweet days of my thirtieth year on the planet.

This project serves as my daily diary and has really pushed me, no matter how shitty or great the day has been, to record my best (or worse) moment. To document all those little things in life that I am likely to forget. Its pushed me to work in my little sketchbook almost daily and also to record the other goings on.

365

jan

The start of the year started in England. At my dad’s on the sofa watching Jules Holland with a hotwater bottle and period pain. I really hope this wasn’t an omen. I am starting to think it was. Not that I mind the quiet life.

It was good to explore and be back in the cold in England. However within a few days we crossed 3 different borders, crossed a sea, travelled thousands of miles whilst drinking coffee out of a thermos and eating far too many scotch eggs and sausage rolls. I love road trips and the wide open road and seeing different contrasting landscapes whizz by. We travelled back through France on the day of the Paris shootings. Horrible, however we were none the wiser until we got home. The rest of January passed by in a bit of a daze, shocked that it is now 2015. I had my thirtieth birthday and henceforth some sort of freak out. Ouch. My birthday was quiet, cinema (Paddington) and a meal. Just how I like it, the older I get the more introverted and quiet I become. January was long walks, trying and failing to be healthy, birthday breakfasts, starting of new sketchbooks, ink pen discovery and crazy insane sunsets.

feb

February, you brought grey skies and broken worried hearts. Things changed that month and started the long reflection. I lost my faith in humanity but had my eyes opened to many things. Making it clearer where and what I want to be. Came my baby Pup as ever by my side. Naughty hiding doggy. The light as ever is the very best in Barcelona in winter. The sunsets and winter sun. Dinners and chats with the very best friends, glad to have these memories and hang outs. The best food (roast dinner, key lime pies and lotso pizzaaaa). I was attacked with the dreaded lurgy and therefor a mini flare up (on going its just flared and flared). Basically February was a celebration of food and trying to be together and there when needed. (A cryptic month).

march

March. You were good, healing and restful. What was needed after February’s sluggishness and black cloud. I watched my doggies pups being born on skype with my sisters and my dad. The very best memories and excitement of that. Long soul searching walks in my small town and along the country fields. Alone in cafe’s and walking around Cambridge. Birthday parties and curry. Catching up with all the family. Falling in love again with London. Back in Barcelona I discovered walks at the top. Still up and down with health. Planning and learning new skills (caligraphy).

april

April you were the start of this bad health and rest. You bought family (sister) visits and yet more quiet days (see a theme for this year yet?). We celebrated and enjoyed our little boys birthday (doggy). I can’t express in words how much this pup means to me. He is always by my side when a lot of humans are not. He knows when I am not ok and just lays next to me. He licks my face when I am crying. He is a sweet, but grumpy, little soul and I would be lost without him. Here’s to seven more years little boy. I also did a lot of planning and started to draw the faces I have in my head. They collect there and need to come out. Yet more turmoil and talk of future plans, it seems like we only ever talk about things. However slowly getting things in place and plucking courage and strength. Also had scary hospital visits. I hate the places they make me nervous as do new doctors.

may
May was done and gone in a blink of an eye. Spent more time in doctors waiting rooms and in bed than should be normal. Read 5 books on my kindle. Again my boy (both of them) were by my side. One of my best friends brought her beautiful bebe Maia into the world. I can’t believe she is here and its incredible to think she made her. So amazing to meet her and have our first cuddle in the hospital. There was a street party in my street for a weekend, people painting walls and houses and lots of food and music. The heat started, the kind of heat that you can’t even breathe properly. To combat that I have been having cold showers and drinking loads of water. May also brought good news. Once again I have been thinking about change and where my life is going. Lots of anxiety about not being able to control my current health situation.

june

June. You made stifled me and made me unable to breathe. Its too hot. I do not bode well in this heat. It literally kills me. Marvelled at the view of the hospital waiting room, its become my second home. I can’t quite grasp that it isn’t June still, which I suppose shows you how June went for me. I drew, rested, hibernated, stressed and worried. I reflected and thought about everything. I made new friends and connections, for which I am so grateful. Good news from friends and family have lightened my heart. Rested and slept and felt nauseous. I feel like I have lost control of my days, they seem to slump and sweat along. Its too hot to do much else.

july

July, you only have a week or so left of you. You bring my (other) boys birthday. I do appreciate that one, 8 or 9 hours sitting with me in hospital holding my hand constantly by my side and never complaining through painful waits and procedures. I am so grateful. My mum has come over with a days notice to look after me. I will never forget this, I often try to get on with things and not show people my pain so it was very nice to have the distraction. July though, you have been hellish and I don’t know when its going to end. This heat, sweat in places I didn’t know were possible. Some drawings have been done for my sister and my brain is clinging onto being a human. I have become even more anxious about future and realise I am living in some sort of limbo. My body is up and down and in pain, just want to get on with normal life now! Evening walks either “up the top” or to the beach have been my savour. They clear my head and heal my heart.

I hope the second half of the year is more healthy and positive and I am able to inflict the changes in my life that I have been reflecting on so much through these past few months. Never has the expression “the days are long, the years are short” been more apt for this year so far. I just hope I can feel more positive and make some very needed changes. I want to feel like I am doing something again.