My week in photos- 5

What a week! This little project/series/diary has really made me realise that even if the majority of the time is a bit (a lot) shit the best bits and things are about stopping and appreciating the small little tiny details and capturing them, holding onto ones breath just to breathe it in and saviour it all. Time goes so so fast and in a blur and its easy to get stuck in it all and just trudge along. So this week, lets start with the not so good:

  • Monday starts with stressed trips to the hospital (typical Sarie style I wrote down the wrong time). Also scary MRI results (bleed in my spinal cord and having lesions on it). Also bad bad back pain and a buggered knee that just won’t give up. Finding out that the strong medication is not doing the trick and walking into my consultants office to find 6 dr’s al wanting to study you because you are such a weird rarity. Scary stuff.
  • Scary test results resulting in yet more tests and uncertainty. I now have to visit a neurologist as have CNS involvement to add to my list of ever-growing symptoms. More MRI and more medication. More doctors and more diagnosis’ and more puzzle solving. I have had enough of this.
  • Bed has been a place I have been for 80% of this week (these pictures and weekly posts are quite deceiving!). My body has felt like sludgy led iron and the tiredness (plus pain, mouth ulcers, burning face and flu-like symptoms). These do not make for great pictures though.
  • Behind on my drawing project and being so uptight about trying to produce the impossible and not letting my self off the hook. I am too ambitious and then end up being late and not doing anything at all.
  • Bad moods and black clouds. I get angry, ashamed and feel so trapped and stuck with this all. I also have the imposter syndrome and constantly feel like I don’t deserve stuff or that I am not good enough.
  • Feeling isolated with my illustration stuff and work and like the above point illustrates. I JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. Also working on it alone with NO feedback is hard. I just don’t know if what I am doing is achieving anything or if it is any good. I am finding it really hard to judge my own work and have lost all confidence in my self (thanks to health and other traumatic stressful situations which I will write about in the future when I can ;))
  • News on having to go to a tribunal to be judged by people who don’t know me on whether I am sick or not. This is so stressful and scary. I know I have all the facts behind me. I just want this all to be resolved and to feel better. I don’t want this unknown hanging over me. Its one of my trigger points for anxiety and such a cause of stress and worry.
  • Being that flakey annoying friend who can’t ever keep a date or a promise.

Lets get onto the GOOD things:

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The view from my hospital is pretty spectacular. Also my medical team are amazing and have seen me and are working so hard and are so passionate and amazing really.

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My dearest most -querido- Poblenou. I love this place so much. Its industrial glory (it was once all waste land and old factories).

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Can we just take a moment to look at these great textures, colours and lines? Its spotting little details like these that make me happy.
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This week has been one of spotting great vans. I love old vans. I want one, and often day-dream about travelling around in one and stopping off at the most amazing places. One day!

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Finding really good little places tucked away inside of old warehouses. Pretty foliage and good installations (see bird houses <3).

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Sushi for lunch when I am too tired/ill to cook!

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Going to an event with my partner in crime Borja . He was invited to a Instagram Spain event. Free food(!!). I was umming and ahhing about going (didn’t feel up to it and guilt about doing anything). So glad I went though. We were totally awkward and joked around together in the corner and ate all the free food. It was so nice to get out for a few hours and just be doing something a little different from hospital or lying in bed. The place was amazing. Its places like this that is why I love Poblenou so so much. It’s also good for me to try to do semi normal things, even if it did mean straight to bed after only a few hours out. Had the best time though, thanks Instagram!

IMG_2882 IMG_2883Finally sorting out little prints and all of my illustrations!

IMG_2906 IMG_2909Oh the moon and night-time walks to the beach with my little family. I need these mini adventures to clear my head and feel like me again. The moon oh the moon. How can you not feel better by seeing this big guiding light in the sky?

IMG_2966My outfits are literally just the most comfortable things that I own. I don’t think I have worn proper shoes in so long now and just live in trainers. These are new, a present from the sales.IMG_2977My little family keeping me sane, I am not the nicest to be around when I am so ill and in pain. I am like a grumpy old woman. It’s these two that are always by my side. Thank you both, I would be lost without you. (even if I am a grumpy beast 99% of the time!)

IMG_2994 IMG_3002February has been a month of focusing on little favourite things and birds are top of my list. I do love them, and drawing them too. Swans and magpies. Ideas swirling around in my brain.

IMG_3019IMG_3029RAIN, it has really rained like it only can here in Barcelona. I’ve enjoyed the wet and damp so so much. Pretty pavements and reflections.

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Lastly enjoying how weird people and things are in this city. Very random and strange.

My week in photos- 3

 

My week has been a very quiet one, scans, doctors appointments, a lovely lunch date, more doctors and a lot of time spent at home. Unfortunately there have been two poorly ones at home. Borja has badly sprained his ankle and is having to rest it which has resulted in long solo walks with doggy listening to a lot of podcasts (serial and womens’ hour mainly- hooray for them both!). I am not sure where the time goes and how it runs away so fast. I have kept myself very busy with drawing and watching Luther (!)pancakeTuesday was pancake day, and I gorged myself silly on them. Lemon and sugar being my Faves! Love pancake day, its one of my favourite childhood memories and foods. It was always so exciting knowing that after school on a random Tuesday in February there would be a pancake feast. Its days and traditions like this that I make sure to celebrate as they make me feel a little less homesick and lost.

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Lots of time staring at this wall and all of my things. I definitely own too much and need a BIG spring clean. I seem to collect Marmite jars. They come in handy to store pens and other such things and I love the way they look. This mini one is used for paint water.

 

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Much appreciated and needed lunch dates with the lovely Silje and her mummy. Amazing burgers and ice-cream for dessert and naughty trips to sephora. I love this gal very much, she is a wise good one. Can’t wait to meet her little bebe!

ribbon ribbon2 buildingbarcelona pgdegraciafeetSome Barcelona goodness here, A ribbon shop! A shop dedicated to selling ribbons only. Its so typical to find a shop like this here, so compartmentalised! Also yet more beautiful buildings, this city is full of them. There is a lot of ugly to though. Lets just pretend that the ugly doesn’t exist. And finally I will never ever bore of the amazing floor tiles in Passeig de Gracia. Oh and of my amazing (albeit scuffed- thanks mum) disco shoes.

pleasingfruit kitchentable deermirror wallfavouritesYet more time at, you’ve guessed it, home. Pleasing apples, and messy messy kitchen tables. I love paper cutting so much, in my own way though. Deer antlers left over from christmas, but they shall be staying! And my favourite things on a wall (print by my mate g-koko) and my weird hand print (where I can see it as a good reminder!) also a print from my boy.

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This months theme for #sarieshanddrawnyear has been my favourite things. This week has been dedicated to my favourite foods. Not all very healthy but yanno. Soup though, and details of it here. I totally underestimated the amount of work in this daily project, but it keeps me sane and a few hours working away at this makes me feel like I am chipping away at my goal.

busgreybeach beachgrey2 beachgrey coffeediaryThe grey has finally arrived here in Barcelona!! Bus journeys to the hospital (it sits right on the beach!) and beach spying. I love the beach when the weather is miserable. The colours and the angry swirling sea. I have also been planning and trying to get my life together a bit whilst waiting for appointments in the hospital cafeteria. Bring on next week!

A bit of cake… (pineapple upside down cake)

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Cake. What with the #gbbo being over and feeling a sense of loss for all things kitchy and bake like I thought I would keep the cake alive. There has certainly been a cake shaped hole in my life this week. Is anyone else having cake/baking withdrawals?

Over a month ago (I know I know) my blog turned one years old. It has been limping along as of late, much like myself, but it has reached it’s milestone and I am glad. I may have great plans for this little here blog that might never materialise, I make promises I can’t keep with it. I also feel intimidated and daunted by it, especially when more and more time passes without a proper update. However it has served, and still very much serves, as a source of inspiration. A place where I can do/say/make what the hell I like a some sort of release. And what better reason is there to celebrate than that. I must remember that blogging is to enjoy and to have an outlet. Its not something that MUST be done.

I was thinking the other day (ok a lot of the days, I have a lot of time on my hands to think and not do much else lately) that its the small minute details in life that are worth celebrating and should be done so on a regular occasion. Cake should be brought out in a ceremonious affair for those tiny little battles that have been done. I want to start to try and be a bit more considerate and grateful of the small little winning moments in my life. The big stuff is a bit too scary at the moment.

The other day I set it upon my self to make an easy cake, something that was simple and didn’t require to much physical exertion on my part. Something tasty though. It was baked on a Sunday. To celebrate Sunday.
Good things in my life worth celebrating this week are:
Wonderful friends and especially family. Its the small little bits of contact that keep me going.
Dr’s and nurses and their tireless amazing work that they do every single day. I have a lot to say on this subject so…
Autumn chill finally starting to arrive here, all the leaves are turning and it is sunny and cold. Just the way I like it.
The simcity game on my phone.
Lindt salted chocolate is the best.
Cups of tea.
Puppy warm duvet hugs.
Being bought magazines and treatment survival items.
Burgers for celebrating a long day of being scared and hospital procedures and treatments.

Here is the recipe in full for this weeks celebratory cake. The Pineapple upside down cake:
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YUM