Stuck 

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So here I am. In bed with a cup of hot chocolate and reeling from the days events. I know having a good old moan on social media isn’t #inspo but I am feeling lost, stuck and rubbish.

Today I had to go under general anesthesia to do some intense procedures and tests to rule out yet more crap things that my body seems to want to throw at me. I don’t write this to be like, oh you poor thing “you ok hun”. I write this because having it all floating around my head and inside of me is quite literally eating at me.

I mainly wanted to write an update on how my work and illustration is going and I feel like not many illustrators or artists really share online when things are SHIT.

I feel like I am watching the world around me succeed and do well, and I celebrate it I REALLY DO.

DSCF0670But here I am left, days spent in bed, feeling awful about my abilities to create. Feeling like I am not succeeding or getting anywhere. Feeling like everything I create is pointless and just silly and amateur. I feel like a massive imposter and like my work doesn’t do or say anything and I don’t quite know how to go forward with that. I just feel like a massive failure in terms of trying this hard slog of being an illustrator. I have posted to my social media for two years everyday and feel like I am in the exact same position. It feels like no one is really willing to work with me or that I am indeed talented enough to find work. Also feeling like I have had the choice taken from me. I feel like I have been given the bad luck of the draw. I am yet to see what I am supposed to learn from this other than to give up?

I am struggling and feeling like I am fighting every day to make my mark. To be successful. To get published. To get clients. To get a little recognition for all the hard work I have been putting in. And it just seems to be going no where. I have been told that I can’t work. But this goes against what I want and who I am. I want to make something, be successful and be the best I can be. There are just so many obstacles in my way though, that it is hard to know where to start or how to begin. Even the baby steps I am making seem pointless and they are not adding up. People keep telling me it will happen and its just persistance and that pays off. But what I keep asking myself is when? When will I get lucky. I ask for little. I would just like to create everyday and work for myself in an environment that makes me happy and I get to do what I treasure and love. Why does this seem to come with such a heavy price?

I shall write a list of my worries and updates. And I would appreciate any advice there is to give with my work and what steps o can take. Because at the moment I feel shit, like a talentless joke. Like a comedy contestant on xfactor whose friends and family are too polite to say other wise.

I feel stuck in which direction to take things in. I feel like it is such a over saturated market to get into. How do I get my stuff out there? I constantly feel like there is some secret I am not privy to and also feel like a lot of creatives like to keep their tricks hidden as so not to get competition.

Over all I am tired of my health situation and all the unfair hold ups and being held up. I just am at the point of giving up really as it’s not bringing me joy and I feel blocked, stuck and in a loop of throwing all my limited energy at something I dear;y love only for it to fall on deaf ears.

How can I get better and how can I forfill my dream/goals?

Not to be overly dramatic but writing this has made me have a HUGE CRY.

Here are some things I feel:

-Everyone else is taking over the world and getting all these amazing chances. How? What’s the secret?

-What am I doing wrong?

-What if  I am just another creator trying to make it in the big pond

-What if its true that I am actually no good

-Why is everyone else super productive and confident an getting chances

-Is it all just smoke and mirrors, are platforms such as instagram and youtube just showing the best bits. Not these gritty behind the scenes sadness and panic sessions?

IMG_8682I would really love some feedback, even if it’s anonymous and even if it’s not kind. I would just love to get out of this horrible cycle I have found myself in.

I don’t have much energy left to fight anymore and after an awful experience working in a company where you were constantly made to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder and there was no way of climbing up it and that you were/are a terrible designer and creator and are worthless. Well I am feeling that. I am feeling my body giving up on me. And I am just tired. I don’t want to take a break, I do want to push through. But what direction do I take? How do I get over this feeling that everyone else is doing it and I am still making baby steps. I still feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and not good enough to “make it”.

It’s so hard when you are doing it alone and for yourself. I feel lonely here without any type of peers to cheer me on or give me feedback. I long to have a community round me where I can feel my best and work and get inspired and be able to create and get feedback.

SO  I always feel like there is a massive pressure to do something. To be someone and to be succesful. I have a HUGE fear of not doing what i always imagined, not being able to do what I always wanted.

So that’s my update, life you are a shitter sometimes.

 

Bits and pieces- week 18

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What a week. It has been filled with highs and lows. The low’s been very very low indeed. I have had many a hospital visit (infiltrations, new medicine etc). ATM it seems like the second round of Rituximab has worked and I can finally (for the first time in over a year) reduce my cortisone dosage. Which is a small, good new step (YAY!).

This week has been the hottest so far and I can say that summer has officially started. Sleeping and feeling sluggish and heat and the sun for me in general are terrible. I try to hermit away in the day as much as possible because I just CAN’T. But it is nice to get outside and go on little strolls either to the beach or the park. Getting my legs out and freckles on my arms.

Thursday night was so nice, getting out for San Joan. San Joan is crazy, fireworks and fire and noise everywhere. We went down to our beloved Poblenou (our barrio) and watched the parade of the Corre Foc, with its amazing percussion band, go and ignite the bonfire. We then walked along the beach and watch the fireworks and chinese laterns before sitting in a park talking about our future and drinking a clara. Perfect.

Waking up in tears to the news on friday, manic family chats and feeling genuinely shocked and scared at the state of things here, there and everywhere. I feel sad and scared for my future as an EU Migrant/citizen. Now more than ever borders need to be opened. I can’t stand this “Great” Britain rule Britannia island mentality. Which to be honest I find embarrassing- its actually something I have noticed more and more when going back. I am also VERY angry that my postal vote did not arrive on time and my proxy vote was unable to vote for me. DESPITE sending everything well in time. I am shocked to the core at some of the things I have seen people I know think and believe (everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs BUT when they are just down right offensive and racist etc it hurts my heart). I will write something more on this in the future as my head is fuzzy and still reeling from it all. Tuesday marks my 10 year anniversary so expect a post then.

Friday I escaped to my favourite place, sat on a rock and watched my busy, hot chaotic home from above and felt a sense of pride and belonging for one of the first times since arriving. It felt right to be where I was and looking at it all pan out from above I felt incredibly lucky and fortunate to experience it. I took a deep breath and felt instantly better. My favourite place is magical like that. It is healing and where I shall escape to more frequently.

Lets see what next week brings!

Life lately…

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Hello! Its been a while since I have sat with my laptop and opened up this little white box to write an update. The week in photos came to a stop for a while after the last round of treatment as I have been feeling totally whacked out from it, both physically and emotionally. I just haven’t felt like sharing a whole lot. I took a big break from my daily project and everything really and I still feel like I am gathering up the pieces a little bit. However I have missed these updates and diary like entries. I love looking back on them and seeing what I have been up to and reading where I was. I also want this space to be more about my work and what inspires me. My little corner of the internet and my home. I want to make sure that I am updating this place for the right reasons, because I want to and feel like and not because I have a schedule to keep and feel like I ought to. So yep. Weekly updates will most likely continue but they won’t be forced and I will update when and where I wish. Non of that scheduled best time of day blogging for views shite. I love my little blog and want to nuture it and want it to feel natural and like me. I know the blogging world feels dead at some points but I want to do it because I love recording, writing, remembering and creating content. In fact thats one thing I have realised about my self. I LOVE CONTENT CREATING. I want this to feel real and not some weird false instagram version of myself. I think we are all getting a bit bored of the perfectly created sponsored posts right? I get it, blogging and content takes an absolute AGE to do and put together and why should their not be some monetary reward for that? But its making the right, conscious intelligent choices and also not being scared to be different and stand out and have a voice. Its alright if its not all polished, in fact the blogs I love the most are those that show interesting, different things and not in a weird stylized, shiny box. GAH! I needed to get that off my chest. I feel like I can take a step forward now and get back to doing what I love without feeling all the pressure.

So where have I been at? In a black lonely hole to be honest. I haven’t been feeling all too great at all. I have been trying to make the most of my “up” moments by getting out on walks and sitting in my favourite cafe and trying to buck myself up a bit. Its been hard to do and I still feel like I am there. Is it ok to admit that I am not ok? I am not. Just for the record. Not working, not being able to go out, feeling guilty when I do go out, not seeing friends, not having family, being stuck creatively and just feeling in a lot of pain has taken its toll. Funnily enough the moment I start to embark on a project about my illness is when I become stuck and unable to continue and hating everything I do. I think maybe the project is still a bit too raw and I don’t have enough perspective on it to feel great. Alas push through I shall do.

So here are some bits and pieces (that might be the new name of this here feature) of my life lately. Oh and a video from last summer that I hatched together that never saw the light of day.

Back for more next week. I am thinking of doing another weekly what I am working on round up that is separate to this. However not made my mind up yet? What do you think? An illustrators week in photos including bits and pieces or bits and pieces and a separate post with just my work? How have you all been? I hope not in the same black hole as me! <3

 

A week in photos / Notes from this week 15

Well this week. Not much to say apart from the fact that I have been under such a big black cloud this week battling ugly thoughts, anxiety, illness and other goings on. This has made me feel quite lonely and isolated. So there. Thats all I am going to say on here as I don’t want this blog to be a weekly moan.

There has been some shining lights through the black clouds though. Like having the time to catch up on my Lost girls series and experimenting with different materials etc. Also Saturdays quick outing, to the print studio in Gracia to see a friends work (it was great). Through all this I have realised that I am motivated and a fighter, even if I don’t feel like one. Despite everything I keep going and I am doing well. So yes.

Next week will be treatment week, so a quiet hospital recovering one. Its probably what is needed. I also need to see my family, so will have to arrange that happening.

This weeks glimpses of light (light chasing all the time atm):
1. This message from last week really rings true this week. I should get these as tattoo’s just to remind my self (a la Casey Neistat’s “DO MORE” tatt).IMG_3992IMG_3995

2. My lost girls. I love drawing them and seeing their different characters and stories come to life. I often feel like a lost girl with a lot of stories so I guess this translates into my drawings. I have really enjoyed this week, and working on the tiny postcard size drawings. They will be for sale in my shop next week and through instagram. Watch out for them. IMG_4104 IMG_4097 IMG_4072IMG_4063 IMG_4062 IMG_4058 IMG_4054 IMG_4051 IMG_4050 IMG_4046 IMG_4001 IMG_4034 IMG_4031 IMG_4036

3. Spotting the little tiny details in life.DSCF8017 DSCF8015 DSCF8002 DSCF8019 DSCF8018 DSCF8039 DSCF8072

4. Spontanious adventures and stumbling across good things like Els Gegants.DSCF8026 DSCF8034 DSCF8036 DSCF8037

5. Gracia’s streets and getting lost in them.DSCF8006 DSCF8079 DSCF8099 DSCF8096

6. Random nice/funny things.DSCF8102 DSCF8108 IMG_4040

7. Rainy Barcelona is the best. Its been raining ALL weekend and its been GLORIOUS!DSCF8008

8. Inspiring places and people (even if it was so very crowded).
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9. Watching these naughty birds squawk from my balcony.
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THE END, see you next week 🙂

 

 

 

Notes from this week/ Week in photos 13

NEWS FLASH! This weeks series is going to be #REALLIFE. Tune in next week for pretty photos and more fun vibes.
IMG_3749Came cuddles are the best thingIMG_3751IMG_3791Lunch on trays are also good!IMG_3774 IMG_3778Hospital bed selfies (cute gown!)IMG_3781 IMG_3782Weird hospital rooms and hospital “art”.IMG_3811 IMG_3815 IMG_3818Resting view innit (the lovely rain!)IMG_3835

So this week. A bit fat wobble of a week. The word of the week being HOSPITAL. I have been unable to escape it. Recovery also being a word of the week as well as wobble, emotional and useless.

Monday- Hospital appointment with my specialist that was quick and rushed > Home > Bed.
Tuesday- Bed and too tired to even move.
Wednesday- Operation/ Procedure day. Lots of lying on hospital beds and being wheeled about, prodded, scanned and poked. Left feeling in pain, dizzy and tired. They cleaned and swept my left knee with radioactive (!!!!) liquid to clean out all the bad inflammatory cells that attack my joints. My body creates these cells and they are evil. Why? Well we don’t know that yet. Monday is scan day and that will decide whether I have to continue with the same biological treatment as before or whether I will start with a new set of drugs. In the meantime its a waiting game. I am grateful that I am getting listened to and that this is being treated and that I am not just feeling like this is something I have done wrong and its all my fault (weird brain black holes where my thoughts disappear too!) Its also good to realise that this is REAL and not invented and as much as I have tried to hide it from people (especially at work) and am embarrassed by it it is there.
Thursday- Recovering at my inlaws. Being waited on hand and foot and being served food on a tray. Sleepy daze and barely human. I can’t describe how good it feels just to have someone looking after you and caring. I have missed this a lot as I tend just to get on with stuff here and try and ignore that I need that sometimes. I need to be spoilt and have “mimos”. It makes me feel weird to ask for help and I feel guilty that I am putting the other person out.
Friday- Yet more recovering and being spoilt. I got to go home in the evening though and had a dreamy sleep in my own bed with the pup and Borj.
Saturday- Sant Jordi and getting a rose. Also home made pizza club night ( a tradition in this house!).
Sunday- Yet more resting and netflixing and blog reading etc.
SO this week has been a tough one, one where it has made me feel not good enough and where I am the illness I have rather than Sarie who has this illness. I have wobbled and doubted and felt a whole lot of guilt and just felt like it has been too much. A drain on my loved ones and just in general a bit crap and useless. Next week shall be better and I can hopefully start to get out and about a bit more. I have also been quiet with a few of my projects because its ok to fall behind and allow my self time to recover, this doesn’t mean I am a massive failure (note to myself). Also all this time off is justified and medically backed up. Please remember this future Sarie if you are reading this!

So if I have been a crap friend/sister/daughter/colleague then I am sorry, I feel like I let a lot of people down and more than anyone myself.

 

Notes from this week/ my week in photos 12

This week has been much the same as the weeks before that. Hospitals, bed and trying to get little things done and producing things that make me happy. Spring/summer has definitely arrived. Its hot, this scares me. I hate the heat.
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My lovely stripey covers and my little doggy noodle. And trying to read as much as I can. Very interested in war time novels at the moment. Especially based around the London Blitz. Also recipe and cook books. I love the Elly Pear book thats just come out- yum!

DSCF5203 DSCF5204 IMG_3618IMG_3616 I had to go to Hospital de l’Esperanza in the north of the city (near Parc Guell). I had never really ventured up this way before besides visting the park. The buildings and every thing felt so different than other parts of the city. I had to have a few scans and was done fairly quickly (not the usual occurrence in hospital-land).IMG_3622
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It was fairly near Gracia, so I decided to walk very down very slowly. I adore this part of the city. Carrer Verdi on a week day is such a nice place to be. The weather was so glorious (breezy and cool in the shade but sunny and warm-not too hot). Everything in bloom. I spied some pretty shops, cafes and buildings. I stopped in a cafe that had nice tiles and wall colour.IMG_3629 IMG_3633 IMG_3634 IMG_3636
In the 9 years that I have lived in Barcelona I have always spied the flower market on Valencia but have never ever been inside. Its pretty cool. I did think it was bigger than it actually is though, but cool and pretty all the same. I then got my tired and achey legs on the bus home where I flopped into bed hugging my pup. I don’t get why or how he can stand being under the covers:
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I made a very good, if I do say so myself, shepherds pie. Yum!

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I am enjoying drawing people a lot, even if they are a little weird. I like to imagine these girls in their own weird lost worlds. Floating on their own lonely islands. Its nice to get my hands messy and to feel like I am creating something.

IMG_3677 IMG_3686 IMG_3687 IMG_3688 IMG_3689 IMG_3690A small little stroll was made up to The Top. Aka one of my all time favourite places ever. I love how it feels to have the city at ones feet and to be above it all in the fresh, cool air and survey all the city and its goings on. Its so meditative to be there for me and its been months since I have been able to go. I do love it so so much.

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I had to pop into the centre to get some supplies. Paper and the like. I love Raima so so much, it really is a treasure of a shop. It is a paper supply, stationary shop in a really old street in Barcelona. It is on two different levels, with the more traditional stationary on the ground floor and the paper supply on the second floor. Its a paper lovers dream. I love how much character it has and the staff are lovely too.

DSCF5304 DSCF5308 DSCF5309 DSCF5339Pretty Barcelona streets. I also love visiting El Borne and El Gotic too. Getting lost in tiny dark streets, always discovering the weird and the wonderful.

So that was my week, I love how it looks so busy and fun. The other bits I don’t really show. It has been nice to get out a bit. I have had to cancel plans and be bad because I have felt so very tired though, and therefor have actually spent most of the week in bed- again.

This weeks Good things:
Spring (blossom against blue skies, lighter evenings, pretty light and wearing spring jackets)
Sitting on terraces having a coffee
Going on a few walks around the barrio
Planning for future things and feeling like: i can do this!
A few head revelations- good at realising things again and thinking clearly. Feeling stronger mentally than I have in a while. Black cloud is almost clearing!
Chats with friends and family on whatsap.

Next week: Knee op, MRI’s, Doctors appointments and lots of netflix I predict.

Notes from this week 10

I have changed this little section into Notes from this week. As it is more accurate to be honest. I can not get out every week and take pretty photos (sad face emoji) and I do love doing a weekly journal dear diary round up. So it will be a gaggle of things that have happened. Notes/videos/pictures/work etc/general gathering of thoughts and words and images. A little scrapbook of my life.

So this week. One long week of flat-prison-hermiting. Kind doctors, I dearly love my GP. Its so important to have the constant support and understanding of ones doctors when going through scary health stuff. I have been extra clumsy this week (i have knocked my self, fallen over and dropped one of my favourite mugs) and in such a fog. When I say a fog it is like having the flu and being feverish feeling like ones body is actual poison. My knee, jaw and left hand and wrist are ever so painful. There have been tears and wondering how I can get through it all. I have been addicted to snap chat, netflix and pinterest this week. I have also been enjoying cafe mocca’s and home made food (thanks Suegra!). Drawing has been tricky. This week has seen me round up a month of pattern making and I feel good that it is done, because phew thats a lot of patterns (pattern fatigue ha!) and also yay because I have learnt another new skill. I also keep reminding my self to look at the bigger picture as I tend to scurry along with tunnel vision and only look at small tiny details and trip up on them. I have come so far and I need to take a step back and breathe and remember all of that. Spring has sprung. Sunshine and rainy days and a nice cool breeze. Its been lovely watching the tree’s change and hear the bird tweeting.

So here are some patterns a few photos.

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Spring and all things new have really inspired my patterns, as has being ill and medication and my puppy. I also like these dark factories.botanicplantl came factory flowerbotanic handpill

 

That has been my week. Next week: hopefully venturing out, a swim, doctors doctors and doctors and catching up on some over due things.