Notes from 2018 // note 4

Back in Malvern. My birthday. 33.

How is it possible that I am the great old age of 33? I quite like the way this sounds, like a rounded number. Thirty Three. I think I am amongst some sort of weird fog/crisis and feeling a bit wobbly. Maybe its the new age. Thirty-three is slightly different from 32/31/30. It feels like you should most definitely have your shit together; life/kids/house/career. I am sort of dangling in some sort of abyss. I seem to have bits and pieces sorted and am surviving. But I am not thriving. SO. There that is. I feel very much like these photos, surrounded by a fog that consumes everything and unable to see much in front and behind me… I feel a bit stuck and fuzzy. It must be that time of year. I usually relish in winter. But this January and half of february I have found it hard to get up and go. I feel like everyone has suffered these past two months. I can’t wait for spring to come and blow out those cobwebs. Lighter nights and warmer days. Being outside. Long walks.

These photos were taken on a random wednesday, at the beginning of the year. One of those days when it is all foggy and gloomy. When everyone has returned to work after the festivities of the festive season. That wednesday happened to be my birthday the 10th.

We decided on going out for a long walk around Malverns’ charity shops. The only aim was to hunt gems and get cake (it was my birthday after all!).
(how much is that puppy in the window?!)
We went to my favourite pub ever ever… we had fish and chips and a very good pint!

Malvern is also one of my favourite places. The streets are so grand and beautiful. It makes me feel like I am stepping back in time every time I visit and walk around these streets imagining the grand houses and who occupied them. It was suitably gloomy and a thick fog had settled down so low. I have a thing with tree skeletons. Their beautiful spindly fingers are so elegant and graceful. A blurry picture of some cake but proof I managed to stuff some cake in my face.

Does this look like a horror film or a set from an old theatre scene about some vile being? Love it!

So one last note from England and then we shall move onto daily life here!

A little catch up…

Its been a while isn’t it. If I could count the amount of times I have opened this little white box and typed those very same words accompanied by an apology and promises to write more. Promises to update and be more present. But life. It has a funny habit of getting in the way and makes it tricky to be super scheduled and here all the time. I want this place to be an enjoyment, somewhere where I record my best bits (and some bad bits too!). I mainly want it to be a place where I share my special bits and the stuff I wish to remember. A corner that is my own and can be what it wants to be. I have found out that I don’t deal too well with the added pressure and stress of having to follow the conventional rules of blogging/vlogging and posting on social media. And I like it that way. It feels more natural and me. So if I disappear I am just getting over health stuff and also just taking my sweet little time to do things MY WAY!

    What have I been up to?

Well I have been busy making a video every week (More or less). Just documenting my days and life with an autoimmune disease, whilst trying to illustrate and stay creative.
Here are some of my very favourite videos:

    What else then?

Well I have been living SLOW. I have recently decided to buy a lot less shit, and to be pescartarian. I will probably be writing about these two changes soon.
I have also been enjoying living in the beautiful hills of Barcelona and just taking each day as it comes. Exploring out and about and just being content with being here.

I have also been hammering away at getting my PORTFOLIO ONLINE! I will do another post in more detail but until then here is a SNEAK PEAK

I have also been out on many adventures with my doggy. Just enjoying being in nature and being quiet with nothing else to do but just to be in the moment.

I have also had treatment (that has knocked me for six!)

Been to a screen printing course (more coming soon!)

Cuddled with my boy

I have been doing bits and pieces of sketches. Some things I can’t show but here are a few bits.

I have had some lovely visits and some great exploring some of my favourite places.

So there you go, these are bits and pieces of my life (according to my phone!). Its been up and down and quiet and busy at the same time. I CAN’T BELIEVE ITS AUGUST!

Favourite places #4 Aixo

That wonderful serendipitous moment that you are out strolling, not entirely knowing where you are going, when you stumble across a beautiful little shop. Magical. I had just been out to get my hair cut and fancied a little exploration. I always find the best places when I unintentionally go out and look for them. And that’s exactly how I found this place.
I took these photos because I wanted to remember this little gem that you can find in Gracia. Aixo is a beautifully created little shop on Carrer de la Virtut, 14. It houses vintage furniture, an amazing photo exhibition and hand crafted gems. It also sells lovely objects from Hay. Which is fairly hard to find. I purchased my much longed for golden scissors and I love them very much thank you.
I love that the shop is small and quite typical of Gracia. It has little corners with beautiful pieces inside, I feel like every time you step in this shop you are likely to discover a new favourite. Belen, the owner, was super lovely and it was so nice chatting with her about photography and her furniture and shop.

I love the mix of old and new. Vintage against Scandinavian cleanliness. Those wooden handled ceramic mugs (heart eye emoji).

I would highly recommend a visit to this lovely little shop. Oh Gracia you have once again made me love you and have once again come up trumps with a little beaut of a place.

Adventuring in Delta

I love getting in the car and driving away from the city and going on an adventure. We didn’t have to travel very far, for we went to plane watch at Delta de llobregat which is just a few miles out of Barcelona (actually its where Barcelona El Prat airport is). Such a weird combination of industrial aeronautical, yet whilst being amongst a nature reserve. The landscape is absolutely beautiful. On the coast, you walk through paths of reeds, poppies and rivers. Beautiful abandoned houses and paths. Sea views and just the weird feeling of watching planes glide over. I love nothing more than just getting out and going on a nice long walk with my camera and enjoying seeing wildlife and nature. It felt like a perfect spring day.



So here I am. In bed with a cup of hot chocolate and reeling from the days events. I know having a good old moan on social media isn’t #inspo but I am feeling lost, stuck and rubbish.

Today I had to go under general anesthesia to do some intense procedures and tests to rule out yet more crap things that my body seems to want to throw at me. I don’t write this to be like, oh you poor thing “you ok hun”. I write this because having it all floating around my head and inside of me is quite literally eating at me.

I mainly wanted to write an update on how my work and illustration is going and I feel like not many illustrators or artists really share online when things are SHIT.

I feel like I am watching the world around me succeed and do well, and I celebrate it I REALLY DO.

DSCF0670But here I am left, days spent in bed, feeling awful about my abilities to create. Feeling like I am not succeeding or getting anywhere. Feeling like everything I create is pointless and just silly and amateur. I feel like a massive imposter and like my work doesn’t do or say anything and I don’t quite know how to go forward with that. I just feel like a massive failure in terms of trying this hard slog of being an illustrator. I have posted to my social media for two years everyday and feel like I am in the exact same position. It feels like no one is really willing to work with me or that I am indeed talented enough to find work. Also feeling like I have had the choice taken from me. I feel like I have been given the bad luck of the draw. I am yet to see what I am supposed to learn from this other than to give up?

I am struggling and feeling like I am fighting every day to make my mark. To be successful. To get published. To get clients. To get a little recognition for all the hard work I have been putting in. And it just seems to be going no where. I have been told that I can’t work. But this goes against what I want and who I am. I want to make something, be successful and be the best I can be. There are just so many obstacles in my way though, that it is hard to know where to start or how to begin. Even the baby steps I am making seem pointless and they are not adding up. People keep telling me it will happen and its just persistance and that pays off. But what I keep asking myself is when? When will I get lucky. I ask for little. I would just like to create everyday and work for myself in an environment that makes me happy and I get to do what I treasure and love. Why does this seem to come with such a heavy price?

I shall write a list of my worries and updates. And I would appreciate any advice there is to give with my work and what steps o can take. Because at the moment I feel shit, like a talentless joke. Like a comedy contestant on xfactor whose friends and family are too polite to say other wise.

I feel stuck in which direction to take things in. I feel like it is such a over saturated market to get into. How do I get my stuff out there? I constantly feel like there is some secret I am not privy to and also feel like a lot of creatives like to keep their tricks hidden as so not to get competition.

Over all I am tired of my health situation and all the unfair hold ups and being held up. I just am at the point of giving up really as it’s not bringing me joy and I feel blocked, stuck and in a loop of throwing all my limited energy at something I dear;y love only for it to fall on deaf ears.

How can I get better and how can I forfill my dream/goals?

Not to be overly dramatic but writing this has made me have a HUGE CRY.

Here are some things I feel:

-Everyone else is taking over the world and getting all these amazing chances. How? What’s the secret?

-What am I doing wrong?

-What if  I am just another creator trying to make it in the big pond

-What if its true that I am actually no good

-Why is everyone else super productive and confident an getting chances

-Is it all just smoke and mirrors, are platforms such as instagram and youtube just showing the best bits. Not these gritty behind the scenes sadness and panic sessions?

IMG_8682I would really love some feedback, even if it’s anonymous and even if it’s not kind. I would just love to get out of this horrible cycle I have found myself in.

I don’t have much energy left to fight anymore and after an awful experience working in a company where you were constantly made to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder and there was no way of climbing up it and that you were/are a terrible designer and creator and are worthless. Well I am feeling that. I am feeling my body giving up on me. And I am just tired. I don’t want to take a break, I do want to push through. But what direction do I take? How do I get over this feeling that everyone else is doing it and I am still making baby steps. I still feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and not good enough to “make it”.

It’s so hard when you are doing it alone and for yourself. I feel lonely here without any type of peers to cheer me on or give me feedback. I long to have a community round me where I can feel my best and work and get inspired and be able to create and get feedback.

SO  I always feel like there is a massive pressure to do something. To be someone and to be succesful. I have a HUGE fear of not doing what i always imagined, not being able to do what I always wanted.

So that’s my update, life you are a shitter sometimes.


My favourite places #3


Step inside this wonderful decay and you will find treasure. We used to live right across the road and its a building that I always looked out on. Visiting it was always a treat and used to take me right back to the days of studying fine art at uni. The smell of turps and paint, the sound of buzzing minds and the silence that is creativity. I absolutely love the studios, each one so personal to the artist. I love peering into work in progress’s and things just waiting to happen. Its messy and old and looks almost abandoned. What was an old fabric factory on the what was once the main highway of Barcelona. This building bares its bones and houses magic. I love it a lot and I hope it always remains. One day I would love to have a place in a studio like this, in the meanwhile I can dream a little.

This is a little series I started on my blog to help me keep track of and share and celebrate some of my most treasured places. Places where I feel happy and that make me feel like me and places that I find super inspiring. Here are past places

What sarie wore #7

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Dress – Monki / Denim Jacket – Monki / Bag – Cambridge satchel company / Sunglasses – Hawkers / Shoes – Birkenstocks

So summer has well and truly arrived. Which for me means sweat, melting and hiding away from the intense heat of the Barcelonian sun. Out come the milk maid legs and dresses, sandals until October and wanting to live in a fridge. I lose my sense of style a bit in this heat, as not feeling like a gloopy mess trumps any sort of style decision. Its nice to wear floaty dresses and flounce around beautiful stately parks (this one being in Badalona). Also having lupus means I need to stay covered up, so light weight tops or jackets are a must. I would like to sew some little kimono jackets myself. Lets see if I can do that.

To find all my style posts, click here