trying to become a creative success

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Dearest little white box, blank space, negative space, my journal, diary and confident. I seem to use this little white box as a place to process or record thoughts and feelings at the moment and thats good, thats a blog isn’t it? Is that my “brand”?.

Anyway I was so overwhelmed by the comments and feedback from my last post. I am still processing and trying to understand those feelings, so bare with me. But all the advice and kind, wise words <3
So this blog post, the title, the reason why I need to pour my heart out into this little white box.
The pressure to be a success, the pressure I am feeling and putting on myself at the moment to push myself and get recognised.

I was listening to the most amazing podcast the other day whilst making soup and washing the dishes. It was brilliant. I think I found my kindred spirit in the guest speaker and oh she perfectly described my life for the past 6 + years. I was in a small art school and constantly propped up and was made to feel *special* and like I was talented. You get cocky and almost spoilt with this. It is your identity, the artist/the one who draws/ the one who is good. And then you get thrusted (eep) into the big wild world where you are just one more little illustrator/artist/creator seller amongst many more like you, that have been made to feel somewhat special. Put yourself in a bland, office type environment and see yourself struggle. For you think if you are not good enough for this environment how could you possibly be any good at all (failing to see that its a square peg trying to be smashed and hammered into a round hole- ouch painful!).
And then there is instagram, branding, social media and putting on ones best dress and (war, bitch, fight?! what is the word)  GAME face. Clambering to be seen and trying to get somewhere and be something that the very task you are doing makes you feel like you have literally just sucked the life out the only thing you still loved and enjoyed. You have literally killed your identity (for identity and branding are two different things). SO who are you when you strip all that away? When you are just trying to survive?

I have recently gone through a tribunal after not physically and mentally (as both are so so entwined) been able to work and they ruled that I am indeed not fit for the working word. So what do I do when my work and what I do IS ME? I feel guilty and like I have failed because the tribunal (a whole host of doctors and specialist health care workers and not to mention the tight spanish (but lovely and ever so grateful for) social security system deemed me not able to work. Not to mention the 11 dr’s that look after me and are on my health team deeming me not well enough to either. But my brain, it plays dark tricks on me and makes me believe that I am a failure and not good enough / deserving enough. (That I am a lazy layabout).

It got to a point where every drawing and piece of art was created to fit into a certain image, where with most people a successful brand is them and themselves being them and others being attracted to the things they like/dress/wear/eat etc. Brand image isn’t something that is created it already should exist… Anyway going back to my main point. It got to the stage where I was just churning stuff out for the likes, the numbers, to feel that self gratification and also the reassurance that I am actually good, every like acting as acting as a sort of affirmation of the fact that I am ok and doing a good job.

It got to a point where everyday it was a chore and a panic. I enjoyed doing the actual drawing and task but it all felt joyless. And to prove a point to my weirdo brain that I CAN DO IT.

Oh and the comparison.

Don’t get me bloody started. Unhealthy comparison and trying to rack up points against successful colleagues and friends. Why are they doing so well? What can I do? Poor little victim me, spying and counting and not actually being proactive. Gah, this fight is a hard one.

So I should listen to my body and my mind and just rest and chill the f out and do things because I LOVE doing them and ask myself why I am creating something, is it worth while or just adding more noise to a very very loud room? hmm. Still processing. These are just thoughts and feelings whirring around and needing a place to call home. For example this here blog. The moment I try and force myself into a bi weekly schedule is the moment I totally lose interest in it. I resent it and feel so blocked and angry. I then feel like I have failed because I’ve not kept to this crazy scheduling regime, because that is what I SHOULD do to become successful. There are so many rules that I enforce on myself. Why not just post when the bloody hell it takes me fancy because I am happy/sad/creative or inspired to do so? I am slowly letting my self to rest (and not quit) but to let it all go a bit and let it be and not to try and control and make these crazy schedules of things I know deep down I will never get round to doing because my body and my mind decided to be too busy trying to bloody wage war on itself. (hello multiple autoimmune / anxiety and depression).

So my point? We are all just bloody winging it innit? Even if it looks otherwise.

The end.

From the trying to make it-but not quite there yet- try hard- super creative- draws ok- blogger- vlogger- chronic disease fighter- sister- daughter- partner- dog mummy- sad lonely bitter- 30 something has been-………………..
SARIE XXXX

Stuck 

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So here I am. In bed with a cup of hot chocolate and reeling from the days events. I know having a good old moan on social media isn’t #inspo but I am feeling lost, stuck and rubbish.

Today I had to go under general anesthesia to do some intense procedures and tests to rule out yet more crap things that my body seems to want to throw at me. I don’t write this to be like, oh you poor thing “you ok hun”. I write this because having it all floating around my head and inside of me is quite literally eating at me.

I mainly wanted to write an update on how my work and illustration is going and I feel like not many illustrators or artists really share online when things are SHIT.

I feel like I am watching the world around me succeed and do well, and I celebrate it I REALLY DO.

DSCF0670But here I am left, days spent in bed, feeling awful about my abilities to create. Feeling like I am not succeeding or getting anywhere. Feeling like everything I create is pointless and just silly and amateur. I feel like a massive imposter and like my work doesn’t do or say anything and I don’t quite know how to go forward with that. I just feel like a massive failure in terms of trying this hard slog of being an illustrator. I have posted to my social media for two years everyday and feel like I am in the exact same position. It feels like no one is really willing to work with me or that I am indeed talented enough to find work. Also feeling like I have had the choice taken from me. I feel like I have been given the bad luck of the draw. I am yet to see what I am supposed to learn from this other than to give up?

I am struggling and feeling like I am fighting every day to make my mark. To be successful. To get published. To get clients. To get a little recognition for all the hard work I have been putting in. And it just seems to be going no where. I have been told that I can’t work. But this goes against what I want and who I am. I want to make something, be successful and be the best I can be. There are just so many obstacles in my way though, that it is hard to know where to start or how to begin. Even the baby steps I am making seem pointless and they are not adding up. People keep telling me it will happen and its just persistance and that pays off. But what I keep asking myself is when? When will I get lucky. I ask for little. I would just like to create everyday and work for myself in an environment that makes me happy and I get to do what I treasure and love. Why does this seem to come with such a heavy price?

I shall write a list of my worries and updates. And I would appreciate any advice there is to give with my work and what steps o can take. Because at the moment I feel shit, like a talentless joke. Like a comedy contestant on xfactor whose friends and family are too polite to say other wise.

I feel stuck in which direction to take things in. I feel like it is such a over saturated market to get into. How do I get my stuff out there? I constantly feel like there is some secret I am not privy to and also feel like a lot of creatives like to keep their tricks hidden as so not to get competition.

Over all I am tired of my health situation and all the unfair hold ups and being held up. I just am at the point of giving up really as it’s not bringing me joy and I feel blocked, stuck and in a loop of throwing all my limited energy at something I dear;y love only for it to fall on deaf ears.

How can I get better and how can I forfill my dream/goals?

Not to be overly dramatic but writing this has made me have a HUGE CRY.

Here are some things I feel:

-Everyone else is taking over the world and getting all these amazing chances. How? What’s the secret?

-What am I doing wrong?

-What if  I am just another creator trying to make it in the big pond

-What if its true that I am actually no good

-Why is everyone else super productive and confident an getting chances

-Is it all just smoke and mirrors, are platforms such as instagram and youtube just showing the best bits. Not these gritty behind the scenes sadness and panic sessions?

IMG_8682I would really love some feedback, even if it’s anonymous and even if it’s not kind. I would just love to get out of this horrible cycle I have found myself in.

I don’t have much energy left to fight anymore and after an awful experience working in a company where you were constantly made to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder and there was no way of climbing up it and that you were/are a terrible designer and creator and are worthless. Well I am feeling that. I am feeling my body giving up on me. And I am just tired. I don’t want to take a break, I do want to push through. But what direction do I take? How do I get over this feeling that everyone else is doing it and I am still making baby steps. I still feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and not good enough to “make it”.

It’s so hard when you are doing it alone and for yourself. I feel lonely here without any type of peers to cheer me on or give me feedback. I long to have a community round me where I can feel my best and work and get inspired and be able to create and get feedback.

SO  I always feel like there is a massive pressure to do something. To be someone and to be succesful. I have a HUGE fear of not doing what i always imagined, not being able to do what I always wanted.

So that’s my update, life you are a shitter sometimes.

 

My favourite places #3

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Step inside this wonderful decay and you will find treasure. We used to live right across the road and its a building that I always looked out on. Visiting it was always a treat and used to take me right back to the days of studying fine art at uni. The smell of turps and paint, the sound of buzzing minds and the silence that is creativity. I absolutely love the studios, each one so personal to the artist. I love peering into work in progress’s and things just waiting to happen. Its messy and old and looks almost abandoned. What was an old fabric factory on the what was once the main highway of Barcelona. This building bares its bones and houses magic. I love it a lot and I hope it always remains. One day I would love to have a place in a studio like this, in the meanwhile I can dream a little.

This is a little series I started on my blog to help me keep track of and share and celebrate some of my most treasured places. Places where I feel happy and that make me feel like me and places that I find super inspiring. Here are past places