A week in photos / Notes from this week 15

Well this week. Not much to say apart from the fact that I have been under such a big black cloud this week battling ugly thoughts, anxiety, illness and other goings on. This has made me feel quite lonely and isolated. So there. Thats all I am going to say on here as I don’t want this blog to be a weekly moan.

There has been some shining lights through the black clouds though. Like having the time to catch up on my Lost girls series and experimenting with different materials etc. Also Saturdays quick outing, to the print studio in Gracia to see a friends work (it was great). Through all this I have realised that I am motivated and a fighter, even if I don’t feel like one. Despite everything I keep going and I am doing well. So yes.

Next week will be treatment week, so a quiet hospital recovering one. Its probably what is needed. I also need to see my family, so will have to arrange that happening.

This weeks glimpses of light (light chasing all the time atm):
1. This message from last week really rings true this week. I should get these as tattoo’s just to remind my self (a la Casey Neistat’s “DO MORE” tatt).IMG_3992IMG_3995

2. My lost girls. I love drawing them and seeing their different characters and stories come to life. I often feel like a lost girl with a lot of stories so I guess this translates into my drawings. I have really enjoyed this week, and working on the tiny postcard size drawings. They will be for sale in my shop next week and through instagram. Watch out for them. IMG_4104 IMG_4097 IMG_4072IMG_4063 IMG_4062 IMG_4058 IMG_4054 IMG_4051 IMG_4050 IMG_4046 IMG_4001 IMG_4034 IMG_4031 IMG_4036

3. Spotting the little tiny details in life.DSCF8017 DSCF8015 DSCF8002 DSCF8019 DSCF8018 DSCF8039 DSCF8072

4. Spontanious adventures and stumbling across good things like Els Gegants.DSCF8026 DSCF8034 DSCF8036 DSCF8037

5. Gracia’s streets and getting lost in them.DSCF8006 DSCF8079 DSCF8099 DSCF8096

6. Random nice/funny things.DSCF8102 DSCF8108 IMG_4040

7. Rainy Barcelona is the best. Its been raining ALL weekend and its been GLORIOUS!DSCF8008

8. Inspiring places and people (even if it was so very crowded).
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9. Watching these naughty birds squawk from my balcony.
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THE END, see you next week 🙂

 

 

 

My week in photos / Notes from this week 14

So this week. It started at the hospital, as most of my weeks seem to do. And ended in some sort of despair. My mental health has been really hit and shattered this week. I blame feeling so bloody useless and stuck and not being able to live the life I want to at the moment. Also I have had bloody enough of medication, hospitals, dr’s, pain, tiredness and being a hermit “recuperating”. At the moment I can barely manage normal life, I mean getting up out of bed and getting dressed. I have had a black cloud over my head and feel like I have been slipping into a black vortex that pulls me under at a speed unknown to man. I try with all my might to turn off the thoughts and feelings of not feeling good enough, the worthlessness and loneliness but it all gets too much. So after speaking with my darling sister and having all the tears I decided that enough was enough and that I would try and dust myself off and do little tiny things that make me happy. I know I need to get out and not isolate myself so much, and learn how to turn down the volume of these bad whirring thoughts a little. I need to avoid these massive gaping sink holes that appear. So that was fairly honest and open, I am really not sure why I insist in writing such personal posts but its what happens when I type in this white box. I am forever an over sharer.

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Monday 7.00 am MRI scan, the weirdest feeling laying in a noisy tunnel to start of the week. I was in there for ages, so used to them now. I nearly slept and actually was quite the mediative experience. My hospital is right on the beach which means I step out and have this view. Its like some sort of oxymoron. I like it though. MRI’s and the dye they use make me very dizzy so I always appreciate the fresh sea air and view. Repeat all this for Tuesday.

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By Wednesday I had decided enough was enough and ventured out on my painful puffy knee (I had some sort of keyhole surgery last week, where I had this weird radioactive liquid inserted to clean the knee joint). My knee is still the same as it was before but any way I NEED to get out and see the world a bit. Walks to the local park with my pup are everything as are pretty flower shops and green leaves.

IMG_3876Spying this message and I think this should be my mantra, this made me wake up a little and really think that yes, it is true and I can choose what happens to me here and now. I must remember this! I love whoever has written this everywhere.

IMG_3940 IMG_3920 IMG_3885 IMG_3883 IMG_3945To be honest not much time has been spent in my studio this week, in fact I have ignored it and not really had the energy to go in. Having a creative block and creative crisis also feeling like whatever I do is not what I want to create and uninspired. I think this contributes a lot to my emotional state and vice versa. I need to get in the studio and just play and let go a little. Its ok to have a break and be behind and not have everything so controlled and planned.

DSCF5467 DSCF5468 DSCF5471 DSCF5473 DSCF5472So by the time Saturday arrived I couldn’t wait to get out and have a little date day with my Borja. It was a very grey day, after having rained all night and the sky kept threatening to rain. My favourite kind of day. I took these photos to remind my self to continuously look up and see the beauty that surrounds me. Barcelona is a beaut of a city, it really is. The history that surrounds everything is quite magical. So Sarie, don’t forget to look up and appreciate everything a little bit more.

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IMG_3977DSCF5429 DSCF5428 DSCF5426This is one of my very favourite little pockets in Barcelona, it reminds me of a scene of a book and the atmosphere is so good.

DSCF5433 DSCF5441 DSCF5438 DSCF5443These streets. I love just exploring and being in them and appreciating all its beautiful chaos. I also love the mundane every day bits of life, like hearing voices, seeing people chat on their mobile phones on their balconies, washing drying etc. I also love the pretty bits like flags and lights.

DSCF5444 DSCF5446 DSCF5450 DSCF5454 DSCF5457Unintentional beauty everywhere. Appreciating this city much more these days.

DSCF5429 IMG_3979 IMG_3977 DSCF5469Also look at all the small beautiful details, that you will find if you look hard enough.
DSCF5473 DSCF5474 IMG_3975IMG_3966 IMG_3965 IMG_3964 IMG_3963 IMG_3947La Virreina is one of my favourite places in Barcelona. Just off the chaotic, soulless Ramblas you will find this hidden gem of a building that encases a beautiful (free!!) gallery. I love its grandeur and the fact its peaceful space. We saw a brilliant exhibition on social documentary of Barcelona. It made me think how many beings this cities buildings and landscapes have seen. How many stories have unfolded. It makes you feel quite small actually.

We had very good burgers for lunch. Love going on lunch dates very much. Also love a good burger and this one I can recommend. Bocoa burger, a new one to add to my list.DSCF5462 DSCF5463After lunch we strolled (hobbled) down to La Central. This has become a bit of a tradition to browse this shop on a Saturday. Its one of my happy places. I love looking at all the illustrated novels/comics.
IMG_3969 IMG_3973 IMG_3968 IMG_3967This original Keith Haring wall <3

IMG_3944 DSCF5432 DSCF5431 DSCF5430Small little details!

So what was a total bummer of a week actually turned out alright, and I think that is key. Finding what makes you happy and doing it, no matter how hard it might be to do. We all need to appreciate things, live in the here and now and think about what makes us happy. For me its about appreciating the small moments and snippets and not always wanting more. Its being happy with what I have and aiming to make things better but not always looking at what I don’t have and want and trying to constantly grasp at it in the future tense. Its great to have aspirations and dreams and all that but I do think its a bit of the millennial curse is that we are never happy with our lot and constantly having to better ourselves and not taking the time to breathe and appreciate our lot. SO here is me taking a conscious step to live a little more in the moment and the here and now. See you next week!

My week in photos (sort of) 8

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So this week. I am having/have had a wobble. A big one. It has surely been one of the hardest weeks I have had to endure in a long time. I have had to go to a medical tribunal and that really tested my nerves and strength. I have also been so very ill, with a very swollen knee and general other ailments that happen when my disease flairs up. It its all consuming and draining and has made me feel quite rubbish. Thank god for friends and family chats to make all seem a little more bearable. I don’t really have much more to add, nor have I felt like taking any photos. Besides I have been in my bed-prison all week unable to walk or move. Onwards and upwards though as they say, next week is a new week and tomorrow a new day.
GOOD THINGS though:
-Rain and grey days
-Soft, warm pyjamas
-Hot water bottles
-Came cuddles
-Whatsap chats
-Downton Abbey. I am literally that bored ha! Also I have become a bit all consumed into the world and it has made me feverish and weird
-Comfort food like things on toast (egg, avocado, baked beans, marmite et- not all at once).

I feel stuck behind a bit at the moment, with projects and with life in general. Hoping my next round of medication improves things somewhat for me and I can start taking back some of that time that has been stolen from me. I have a list that as long as my arm that constantly needs rejigging and just feel like a bit of a failure in general. Until I stop and think that I am fighting on getting better and living with this disease, which is just good enough. I need to lay off on the bad guilt feelings and stop being quite so nasty with myself and just realise that the little battles and effort are good enough. And if my good enough is another ones ok then so be it. I do get angry and want to scream and shout and ask why me? Why did I get chosen to have this bloody vile body eating disease (auto immune means self attacking- my body quite literally HATES me which doesn’t bode well for my self esteem hmmf. Much asked questions like how can I really love my self if my body has chosen to hate me and attack me and eat my bones, vessels and skin?). Then I remember there is just no bloody use in going down that path, it doesn’t help. I hate when those dark thoughts creep in and I just don’t feel good enough for the world. I have to reclaim what is good enough though. Barely there survival. Brushing ones teeth and doing ones hair, being able to tie my own laces and butter my own toast.. and even on the darkest days being able to get to the loo on time. Those things are in the minor success club and those things are good enough. I can’t expect my body to be nicer to me if I am not nicer to me. Minor successes and the good enough club need to be celebrated. I just need to constantly remind myself of that fact.

My week in photos- 5

What a week! This little project/series/diary has really made me realise that even if the majority of the time is a bit (a lot) shit the best bits and things are about stopping and appreciating the small little tiny details and capturing them, holding onto ones breath just to breathe it in and saviour it all. Time goes so so fast and in a blur and its easy to get stuck in it all and just trudge along. So this week, lets start with the not so good:

  • Monday starts with stressed trips to the hospital (typical Sarie style I wrote down the wrong time). Also scary MRI results (bleed in my spinal cord and having lesions on it). Also bad bad back pain and a buggered knee that just won’t give up. Finding out that the strong medication is not doing the trick and walking into my consultants office to find 6 dr’s al wanting to study you because you are such a weird rarity. Scary stuff.
  • Scary test results resulting in yet more tests and uncertainty. I now have to visit a neurologist as have CNS involvement to add to my list of ever-growing symptoms. More MRI and more medication. More doctors and more diagnosis’ and more puzzle solving. I have had enough of this.
  • Bed has been a place I have been for 80% of this week (these pictures and weekly posts are quite deceiving!). My body has felt like sludgy led iron and the tiredness (plus pain, mouth ulcers, burning face and flu-like symptoms). These do not make for great pictures though.
  • Behind on my drawing project and being so uptight about trying to produce the impossible and not letting my self off the hook. I am too ambitious and then end up being late and not doing anything at all.
  • Bad moods and black clouds. I get angry, ashamed and feel so trapped and stuck with this all. I also have the imposter syndrome and constantly feel like I don’t deserve stuff or that I am not good enough.
  • Feeling isolated with my illustration stuff and work and like the above point illustrates. I JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. Also working on it alone with NO feedback is hard. I just don’t know if what I am doing is achieving anything or if it is any good. I am finding it really hard to judge my own work and have lost all confidence in my self (thanks to health and other traumatic stressful situations which I will write about in the future when I can ;))
  • News on having to go to a tribunal to be judged by people who don’t know me on whether I am sick or not. This is so stressful and scary. I know I have all the facts behind me. I just want this all to be resolved and to feel better. I don’t want this unknown hanging over me. Its one of my trigger points for anxiety and such a cause of stress and worry.
  • Being that flakey annoying friend who can’t ever keep a date or a promise.

Lets get onto the GOOD things:

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The view from my hospital is pretty spectacular. Also my medical team are amazing and have seen me and are working so hard and are so passionate and amazing really.

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My dearest most -querido- Poblenou. I love this place so much. Its industrial glory (it was once all waste land and old factories).

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Can we just take a moment to look at these great textures, colours and lines? Its spotting little details like these that make me happy.
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This week has been one of spotting great vans. I love old vans. I want one, and often day-dream about travelling around in one and stopping off at the most amazing places. One day!

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Finding really good little places tucked away inside of old warehouses. Pretty foliage and good installations (see bird houses <3).

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Sushi for lunch when I am too tired/ill to cook!

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Going to an event with my partner in crime Borja . He was invited to a Instagram Spain event. Free food(!!). I was umming and ahhing about going (didn’t feel up to it and guilt about doing anything). So glad I went though. We were totally awkward and joked around together in the corner and ate all the free food. It was so nice to get out for a few hours and just be doing something a little different from hospital or lying in bed. The place was amazing. Its places like this that is why I love Poblenou so so much. It’s also good for me to try to do semi normal things, even if it did mean straight to bed after only a few hours out. Had the best time though, thanks Instagram!

IMG_2882 IMG_2883Finally sorting out little prints and all of my illustrations!

IMG_2906 IMG_2909Oh the moon and night-time walks to the beach with my little family. I need these mini adventures to clear my head and feel like me again. The moon oh the moon. How can you not feel better by seeing this big guiding light in the sky?

IMG_2966My outfits are literally just the most comfortable things that I own. I don’t think I have worn proper shoes in so long now and just live in trainers. These are new, a present from the sales.IMG_2977My little family keeping me sane, I am not the nicest to be around when I am so ill and in pain. I am like a grumpy old woman. It’s these two that are always by my side. Thank you both, I would be lost without you. (even if I am a grumpy beast 99% of the time!)

IMG_2994 IMG_3002February has been a month of focusing on little favourite things and birds are top of my list. I do love them, and drawing them too. Swans and magpies. Ideas swirling around in my brain.

IMG_3019IMG_3029RAIN, it has really rained like it only can here in Barcelona. I’ve enjoyed the wet and damp so so much. Pretty pavements and reflections.

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Lastly enjoying how weird people and things are in this city. Very random and strange.

My week in photos- 3

 

My week has been a very quiet one, scans, doctors appointments, a lovely lunch date, more doctors and a lot of time spent at home. Unfortunately there have been two poorly ones at home. Borja has badly sprained his ankle and is having to rest it which has resulted in long solo walks with doggy listening to a lot of podcasts (serial and womens’ hour mainly- hooray for them both!). I am not sure where the time goes and how it runs away so fast. I have kept myself very busy with drawing and watching Luther (!)pancakeTuesday was pancake day, and I gorged myself silly on them. Lemon and sugar being my Faves! Love pancake day, its one of my favourite childhood memories and foods. It was always so exciting knowing that after school on a random Tuesday in February there would be a pancake feast. Its days and traditions like this that I make sure to celebrate as they make me feel a little less homesick and lost.

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Lots of time staring at this wall and all of my things. I definitely own too much and need a BIG spring clean. I seem to collect Marmite jars. They come in handy to store pens and other such things and I love the way they look. This mini one is used for paint water.

 

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Much appreciated and needed lunch dates with the lovely Silje and her mummy. Amazing burgers and ice-cream for dessert and naughty trips to sephora. I love this gal very much, she is a wise good one. Can’t wait to meet her little bebe!

ribbon ribbon2 buildingbarcelona pgdegraciafeetSome Barcelona goodness here, A ribbon shop! A shop dedicated to selling ribbons only. Its so typical to find a shop like this here, so compartmentalised! Also yet more beautiful buildings, this city is full of them. There is a lot of ugly to though. Lets just pretend that the ugly doesn’t exist. And finally I will never ever bore of the amazing floor tiles in Passeig de Gracia. Oh and of my amazing (albeit scuffed- thanks mum) disco shoes.

pleasingfruit kitchentable deermirror wallfavouritesYet more time at, you’ve guessed it, home. Pleasing apples, and messy messy kitchen tables. I love paper cutting so much, in my own way though. Deer antlers left over from christmas, but they shall be staying! And my favourite things on a wall (print by my mate g-koko) and my weird hand print (where I can see it as a good reminder!) also a print from my boy.

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This months theme for #sarieshanddrawnyear has been my favourite things. This week has been dedicated to my favourite foods. Not all very healthy but yanno. Soup though, and details of it here. I totally underestimated the amount of work in this daily project, but it keeps me sane and a few hours working away at this makes me feel like I am chipping away at my goal.

busgreybeach beachgrey2 beachgrey coffeediaryThe grey has finally arrived here in Barcelona!! Bus journeys to the hospital (it sits right on the beach!) and beach spying. I love the beach when the weather is miserable. The colours and the angry swirling sea. I have also been planning and trying to get my life together a bit whilst waiting for appointments in the hospital cafeteria. Bring on next week!

Lost in Cambridge

It’s been a while since I have wondered Cambridge’s old historical streets. Coming from a small market town just a short car journey away, Cambridge has always been ‘My city’. It is the city of my birth after all. You can’t help feeling all of the past goings on and that everything is steeped in some sort of historical importance and magic. It seeps out from everywhere, on every corner you turn. Every nook and cranny. Its a celebration of intellect and pompousness. It feels like Ceremonial celebration of academia. I love the romance of it all, as you wind round its streets and rivers, that have seen hundreds upon hundreds of fellows, merchants, lecturers and general city folk alike punt and walk. It puffs its grand chest out and impresses you with every spire, chimney pot and timber frame. It truly is one of the most romantic, fantasy magical places I know.

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