My week in photos (sort of) 8

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So this week. I am having/have had a wobble. A big one. It has surely been one of the hardest weeks I have had to endure in a long time. I have had to go to a medical tribunal and that really tested my nerves and strength. I have also been so very ill, with a very swollen knee and general other ailments that happen when my disease flairs up. It its all consuming and draining and has made me feel quite rubbish. Thank god for friends and family chats to make all seem a little more bearable. I don’t really have much more to add, nor have I felt like taking any photos. Besides I have been in my bed-prison all week unable to walk or move. Onwards and upwards though as they say, next week is a new week and tomorrow a new day.
GOOD THINGS though:
-Rain and grey days
-Soft, warm pyjamas
-Hot water bottles
-Came cuddles
-Whatsap chats
-Downton Abbey. I am literally that bored ha! Also I have become a bit all consumed into the world and it has made me feverish and weird
-Comfort food like things on toast (egg, avocado, baked beans, marmite et- not all at once).

I feel stuck behind a bit at the moment, with projects and with life in general. Hoping my next round of medication improves things somewhat for me and I can start taking back some of that time that has been stolen from me. I have a list that as long as my arm that constantly needs rejigging and just feel like a bit of a failure in general. Until I stop and think that I am fighting on getting better and living with this disease, which is just good enough. I need to lay off on the bad guilt feelings and stop being quite so nasty with myself and just realise that the little battles and effort are good enough. And if my good enough is another ones ok then so be it. I do get angry and want to scream and shout and ask why me? Why did I get chosen to have this bloody vile body eating disease (auto immune means self attacking- my body quite literally HATES me which doesn’t bode well for my self esteem hmmf. Much asked questions like how can I really love my self if my body has chosen to hate me and attack me and eat my bones, vessels and skin?). Then I remember there is just no bloody use in going down that path, it doesn’t help. I hate when those dark thoughts creep in and I just don’t feel good enough for the world. I have to reclaim what is good enough though. Barely there survival. Brushing ones teeth and doing ones hair, being able to tie my own laces and butter my own toast.. and even on the darkest days being able to get to the loo on time. Those things are in the minor success club and those things are good enough. I can’t expect my body to be nicer to me if I am not nicer to me. Minor successes and the good enough club need to be celebrated. I just need to constantly remind myself of that fact.

My week in photos- 5

What a week! This little project/series/diary has really made me realise that even if the majority of the time is a bit (a lot) shit the best bits and things are about stopping and appreciating the small little tiny details and capturing them, holding onto ones breath just to breathe it in and saviour it all. Time goes so so fast and in a blur and its easy to get stuck in it all and just trudge along. So this week, lets start with the not so good:

  • Monday starts with stressed trips to the hospital (typical Sarie style I wrote down the wrong time). Also scary MRI results (bleed in my spinal cord and having lesions on it). Also bad bad back pain and a buggered knee that just won’t give up. Finding out that the strong medication is not doing the trick and walking into my consultants office to find 6 dr’s al wanting to study you because you are such a weird rarity. Scary stuff.
  • Scary test results resulting in yet more tests and uncertainty. I now have to visit a neurologist as have CNS involvement to add to my list of ever-growing symptoms. More MRI and more medication. More doctors and more diagnosis’ and more puzzle solving. I have had enough of this.
  • Bed has been a place I have been for 80% of this week (these pictures and weekly posts are quite deceiving!). My body has felt like sludgy led iron and the tiredness (plus pain, mouth ulcers, burning face and flu-like symptoms). These do not make for great pictures though.
  • Behind on my drawing project and being so uptight about trying to produce the impossible and not letting my self off the hook. I am too ambitious and then end up being late and not doing anything at all.
  • Bad moods and black clouds. I get angry, ashamed and feel so trapped and stuck with this all. I also have the imposter syndrome and constantly feel like I don’t deserve stuff or that I am not good enough.
  • Feeling isolated with my illustration stuff and work and like the above point illustrates. I JUST DON’T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. Also working on it alone with NO feedback is hard. I just don’t know if what I am doing is achieving anything or if it is any good. I am finding it really hard to judge my own work and have lost all confidence in my self (thanks to health and other traumatic stressful situations which I will write about in the future when I can ;))
  • News on having to go to a tribunal to be judged by people who don’t know me on whether I am sick or not. This is so stressful and scary. I know I have all the facts behind me. I just want this all to be resolved and to feel better. I don’t want this unknown hanging over me. Its one of my trigger points for anxiety and such a cause of stress and worry.
  • Being that flakey annoying friend who can’t ever keep a date or a promise.

Lets get onto the GOOD things:

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The view from my hospital is pretty spectacular. Also my medical team are amazing and have seen me and are working so hard and are so passionate and amazing really.

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My dearest most -querido- Poblenou. I love this place so much. Its industrial glory (it was once all waste land and old factories).

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Can we just take a moment to look at these great textures, colours and lines? Its spotting little details like these that make me happy.
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This week has been one of spotting great vans. I love old vans. I want one, and often day-dream about travelling around in one and stopping off at the most amazing places. One day!

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Finding really good little places tucked away inside of old warehouses. Pretty foliage and good installations (see bird houses <3).

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Sushi for lunch when I am too tired/ill to cook!

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Going to an event with my partner in crime Borja . He was invited to a Instagram Spain event. Free food(!!). I was umming and ahhing about going (didn’t feel up to it and guilt about doing anything). So glad I went though. We were totally awkward and joked around together in the corner and ate all the free food. It was so nice to get out for a few hours and just be doing something a little different from hospital or lying in bed. The place was amazing. Its places like this that is why I love Poblenou so so much. It’s also good for me to try to do semi normal things, even if it did mean straight to bed after only a few hours out. Had the best time though, thanks Instagram!

IMG_2882 IMG_2883Finally sorting out little prints and all of my illustrations!

IMG_2906 IMG_2909Oh the moon and night-time walks to the beach with my little family. I need these mini adventures to clear my head and feel like me again. The moon oh the moon. How can you not feel better by seeing this big guiding light in the sky?

IMG_2966My outfits are literally just the most comfortable things that I own. I don’t think I have worn proper shoes in so long now and just live in trainers. These are new, a present from the sales.IMG_2977My little family keeping me sane, I am not the nicest to be around when I am so ill and in pain. I am like a grumpy old woman. It’s these two that are always by my side. Thank you both, I would be lost without you. (even if I am a grumpy beast 99% of the time!)

IMG_2994 IMG_3002February has been a month of focusing on little favourite things and birds are top of my list. I do love them, and drawing them too. Swans and magpies. Ideas swirling around in my brain.

IMG_3019IMG_3029RAIN, it has really rained like it only can here in Barcelona. I’ve enjoyed the wet and damp so so much. Pretty pavements and reflections.

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Lastly enjoying how weird people and things are in this city. Very random and strange.

My week in photos- 3

 

My week has been a very quiet one, scans, doctors appointments, a lovely lunch date, more doctors and a lot of time spent at home. Unfortunately there have been two poorly ones at home. Borja has badly sprained his ankle and is having to rest it which has resulted in long solo walks with doggy listening to a lot of podcasts (serial and womens’ hour mainly- hooray for them both!). I am not sure where the time goes and how it runs away so fast. I have kept myself very busy with drawing and watching Luther (!)pancakeTuesday was pancake day, and I gorged myself silly on them. Lemon and sugar being my Faves! Love pancake day, its one of my favourite childhood memories and foods. It was always so exciting knowing that after school on a random Tuesday in February there would be a pancake feast. Its days and traditions like this that I make sure to celebrate as they make me feel a little less homesick and lost.

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Lots of time staring at this wall and all of my things. I definitely own too much and need a BIG spring clean. I seem to collect Marmite jars. They come in handy to store pens and other such things and I love the way they look. This mini one is used for paint water.

 

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Much appreciated and needed lunch dates with the lovely Silje and her mummy. Amazing burgers and ice-cream for dessert and naughty trips to sephora. I love this gal very much, she is a wise good one. Can’t wait to meet her little bebe!

ribbon ribbon2 buildingbarcelona pgdegraciafeetSome Barcelona goodness here, A ribbon shop! A shop dedicated to selling ribbons only. Its so typical to find a shop like this here, so compartmentalised! Also yet more beautiful buildings, this city is full of them. There is a lot of ugly to though. Lets just pretend that the ugly doesn’t exist. And finally I will never ever bore of the amazing floor tiles in Passeig de Gracia. Oh and of my amazing (albeit scuffed- thanks mum) disco shoes.

pleasingfruit kitchentable deermirror wallfavouritesYet more time at, you’ve guessed it, home. Pleasing apples, and messy messy kitchen tables. I love paper cutting so much, in my own way though. Deer antlers left over from christmas, but they shall be staying! And my favourite things on a wall (print by my mate g-koko) and my weird hand print (where I can see it as a good reminder!) also a print from my boy.

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This months theme for #sarieshanddrawnyear has been my favourite things. This week has been dedicated to my favourite foods. Not all very healthy but yanno. Soup though, and details of it here. I totally underestimated the amount of work in this daily project, but it keeps me sane and a few hours working away at this makes me feel like I am chipping away at my goal.

busgreybeach beachgrey2 beachgrey coffeediaryThe grey has finally arrived here in Barcelona!! Bus journeys to the hospital (it sits right on the beach!) and beach spying. I love the beach when the weather is miserable. The colours and the angry swirling sea. I have also been planning and trying to get my life together a bit whilst waiting for appointments in the hospital cafeteria. Bring on next week!

Lost in Cambridge

It’s been a while since I have wondered Cambridge’s old historical streets. Coming from a small market town just a short car journey away, Cambridge has always been ‘My city’. It is the city of my birth after all. You can’t help feeling all of the past goings on and that everything is steeped in some sort of historical importance and magic. It seeps out from everywhere, on every corner you turn. Every nook and cranny. Its a celebration of intellect and pompousness. It feels like Ceremonial celebration of academia. I love the romance of it all, as you wind round its streets and rivers, that have seen hundreds upon hundreds of fellows, merchants, lecturers and general city folk alike punt and walk. It puffs its grand chest out and impresses you with every spire, chimney pot and timber frame. It truly is one of the most romantic, fantasy magical places I know.

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