Its all been about numbers at the moment, popping up in the strangest of places as if trying to tell me something, to remind me. Good news and bad news have interlaced. I have been in a daze and just trying to accept things and taking them as they come.
I’m not going to lie. Life of late has been shit. I have become an aching, painful hermit that wants to avoid sunight and hide away from people and chaos. Its been a tough tough few months health wise and really testing. I have sat in more uncomfortable plastic waiting room chairs staring at blank hospital walls more than I care too. Taking handfuls of drugs to control my body from attacking and eating away at itself have also had their affects. Oh and this heat, oh the heat (baking my already brittle bones and cooking my insides I HATE IT- also alergy to the sun). I am in a rut and feel anxious about bringing change and mustering it up with all that I have because I just can’t deal with this unpredictability of it all anymore. Major anxiety about not being able to control my body/health and therefor my life. I guess having this chronic cloud over me makes you feel like this. It will pass though, as all clouds seem to do.
Luckily those who are amazing have really shone in this period of time and convalescence. My family. My Mummy is here now looking after me and I am so grateful. I am 30 but still need to be looked after (feel a bit of a cheat and fail in that way). It seriously makes me happy and content to know I have these handful of people by my side.
These little snippets are from tiny walks I have forced myself to go on have opened my eyes and cleared my head and heart a bit. I like walking and finding otherwise ignored beauty and small details that you pass by everyday when you are too rushed to even appreciate what is right in front of your nose.
If I have learnt one small lesson from this all, from life, it is to be grateful for the smallest tiniest details in life. Because those collected up together make it all ok, make the hours of pain and waiting and trialing new drugs and peoples judgement and misconceptions ok.
It really feels good to get out and see the bigger picture, its like a weird sorting hat that makes me sort out the good and the bad from my life. I have enough bad with the health so onwards and upwards.
I have had a lot of time to think, obviously. So thats my little life update, be happy for the smallest details that exist and people do for you because they mean the most and weed out any baddies from your life because well, its too short to dwell on those ain’t it!?
I am ok though, despite being way to personal on here as ever.