Stuck 

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So here I am. In bed with a cup of hot chocolate and reeling from the days events. I know having a good old moan on social media isn’t #inspo but I am feeling lost, stuck and rubbish.

Today I had to go under general anesthesia to do some intense procedures and tests to rule out yet more crap things that my body seems to want to throw at me. I don’t write this to be like, oh you poor thing “you ok hun”. I write this because having it all floating around my head and inside of me is quite literally eating at me.

I mainly wanted to write an update on how my work and illustration is going and I feel like not many illustrators or artists really share online when things are SHIT.

I feel like I am watching the world around me succeed and do well, and I celebrate it I REALLY DO.

DSCF0670But here I am left, days spent in bed, feeling awful about my abilities to create. Feeling like I am not succeeding or getting anywhere. Feeling like everything I create is pointless and just silly and amateur. I feel like a massive imposter and like my work doesn’t do or say anything and I don’t quite know how to go forward with that. I just feel like a massive failure in terms of trying this hard slog of being an illustrator. I have posted to my social media for two years everyday and feel like I am in the exact same position. It feels like no one is really willing to work with me or that I am indeed talented enough to find work. Also feeling like I have had the choice taken from me. I feel like I have been given the bad luck of the draw. I am yet to see what I am supposed to learn from this other than to give up?

I am struggling and feeling like I am fighting every day to make my mark. To be successful. To get published. To get clients. To get a little recognition for all the hard work I have been putting in. And it just seems to be going no where. I have been told that I can’t work. But this goes against what I want and who I am. I want to make something, be successful and be the best I can be. There are just so many obstacles in my way though, that it is hard to know where to start or how to begin. Even the baby steps I am making seem pointless and they are not adding up. People keep telling me it will happen and its just persistance and that pays off. But what I keep asking myself is when? When will I get lucky. I ask for little. I would just like to create everyday and work for myself in an environment that makes me happy and I get to do what I treasure and love. Why does this seem to come with such a heavy price?

I shall write a list of my worries and updates. And I would appreciate any advice there is to give with my work and what steps o can take. Because at the moment I feel shit, like a talentless joke. Like a comedy contestant on xfactor whose friends and family are too polite to say other wise.

I feel stuck in which direction to take things in. I feel like it is such a over saturated market to get into. How do I get my stuff out there? I constantly feel like there is some secret I am not privy to and also feel like a lot of creatives like to keep their tricks hidden as so not to get competition.

Over all I am tired of my health situation and all the unfair hold ups and being held up. I just am at the point of giving up really as it’s not bringing me joy and I feel blocked, stuck and in a loop of throwing all my limited energy at something I dear;y love only for it to fall on deaf ears.

How can I get better and how can I forfill my dream/goals?

Not to be overly dramatic but writing this has made me have a HUGE CRY.

Here are some things I feel:

-Everyone else is taking over the world and getting all these amazing chances. How? What’s the secret?

-What am I doing wrong?

-What if  I am just another creator trying to make it in the big pond

-What if its true that I am actually no good

-Why is everyone else super productive and confident an getting chances

-Is it all just smoke and mirrors, are platforms such as instagram and youtube just showing the best bits. Not these gritty behind the scenes sadness and panic sessions?

IMG_8682I would really love some feedback, even if it’s anonymous and even if it’s not kind. I would just love to get out of this horrible cycle I have found myself in.

I don’t have much energy left to fight anymore and after an awful experience working in a company where you were constantly made to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder and there was no way of climbing up it and that you were/are a terrible designer and creator and are worthless. Well I am feeling that. I am feeling my body giving up on me. And I am just tired. I don’t want to take a break, I do want to push through. But what direction do I take? How do I get over this feeling that everyone else is doing it and I am still making baby steps. I still feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and not good enough to “make it”.

It’s so hard when you are doing it alone and for yourself. I feel lonely here without any type of peers to cheer me on or give me feedback. I long to have a community round me where I can feel my best and work and get inspired and be able to create and get feedback.

SO  I always feel like there is a massive pressure to do something. To be someone and to be succesful. I have a HUGE fear of not doing what i always imagined, not being able to do what I always wanted.

So that’s my update, life you are a shitter sometimes.

 

My favourite places #3

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Step inside this wonderful decay and you will find treasure. We used to live right across the road and its a building that I always looked out on. Visiting it was always a treat and used to take me right back to the days of studying fine art at uni. The smell of turps and paint, the sound of buzzing minds and the silence that is creativity. I absolutely love the studios, each one so personal to the artist. I love peering into work in progress’s and things just waiting to happen. Its messy and old and looks almost abandoned. What was an old fabric factory on the what was once the main highway of Barcelona. This building bares its bones and houses magic. I love it a lot and I hope it always remains. One day I would love to have a place in a studio like this, in the meanwhile I can dream a little.

This is a little series I started on my blog to help me keep track of and share and celebrate some of my most treasured places. Places where I feel happy and that make me feel like me and places that I find super inspiring. Here are past places

A country walk

I wrote in my last post that I have recently made a massive life change and have upped sticks and moved to the country. We are now pleasantly situated in the hills that surround Barcelona. It has been the change, the literal breath of fresh air, that we have needed.
We are spoilt with the choices of walks and hikes to explore and have been out quite a few times on dog walks that have taken us to the most beautiful vista’s of the city and the surrounding country side. I love nothing more than going out and just noticing the area around and nature as it grows and changes. I love going out with my camera and taking a million and one pictures of every tiny leaf and bit of beautiful light.I also love using these photos later as a reference for sketches and incorporating them into my work. I love drawing plants and botanical things. They will forever feature in my work because that is when I am most at peace and that is where I feel my happiest. So things are good and I am forever grateful to live here and often find that I am pinching myself just to see if it is all real.
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Can You Pull Off the Countryside Look?

It all went a bit quiet on my blog as I have been busy with  “The Big Move”. That’s right, we upped sticks and moved to the country. We are still here in Barcelona but now live amongst green and tree’s in the hills that surround Barcelona. I have been enjoying going out and being amongst nature and getting fresh air and just being away from the daily stresses of the city. Being out in the country side has changed my priorities a lot, especially when it comes to what I want to wear out and about. I want to be comfortable but at the same time still feel like me. I think you can be stylish and still embrace the outdoor’s life. Both I and Came have enjoyed getting out and about and going on dog walks. I have put together some of my outdoor wear favourites as a future style inspiration reference.

Sports outdoors

I quite like the sporty style of outdoor wear and I am currently hunting for the perfect padded jacket. I am always armed with my camera and also a good backpack to keep all necessities such as water. I wear my Activite pop watch by Withings to keep track of my daily steps and sleep.

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My next inspiration comes in a more lets-go-out-for-a-stylish-picnic walk. Roaming outdoors in meadows whilst wearing the most perfect wellies, stopping off for a brisk picnic and a spot of tea. Combining that with nature spotting and rosy cheeked healthiness.

Can You Pull Off the Countryside Look?

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You can always tell a city dweller in the countryside as they often stick out like a sore thumb through their ill-advised fashion choices. Countryside clothes are a fashion in their own right and in order to help you fit in we look at some examples of classic countryside style.

When it comes to inspiration it is always best to start at the top and in this case that means the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton. Last year Vanity Fair reported that the Duchess of Cambridge posed for her first ever fashion shoot with fashion magazine Vogue. The pictures were taken in the Norfolk countryside where the Duchess lives and they show how effective a simple country getup can be. According to the magazine, Middleton swapped glamour for a “Burberry trench coat and a £293 white jacquard shirt by the same fashion house.” While this may seem expensive, it’s worth knowing that country clothes exude quality and longevity. The clothes you wear need to be able to face the unpredictable British weather. So when choosing your country outfit think about whether it can withstand the rain and be a part of your wardrobe for many years to come.

The great thing about trying a new fashion style is being able to try new looks and outfits. For example, when in the city would it ever be ok to wear a cape? The answer is never. But in the country there are plenty of occasions when a cape is perfectly respectable. Lady Alice Manners told The Telegraph that it is best to “wear well tailored trousers when sporting a cape to avoid the shape drowning you out.” If you’re not so keen on a cape then a good quality coat can make any look work.

Of course it is not all-suitable clothing and if you are going to live in the countryside you need to be ready to dress up. Horse racing is one of the few events in life where wearing a fancy hat is almost a requirement. Next month the Cheltenham Festival will take place. It is considered one of Britain’s most prestigious and famous events alongside the notorious Grand National, which “is the biggest race in British jumps racing, according to Betfair. Both of these race meets require horse racing enthusiasts to dress smartly. In terms of the Cheltenham Festival, the second day of the festival is called Ladies Day and it is where the best of British countryside style meets high-end fashion. If you are going to fit in and be considered a proper country girl then a bold dress complete with an outrageous hat is essential. The Guardian did a photo article from last year’s event to give you a good idea of what to aim for.

Shoes are a women’s best friend (alongside diamonds of course) and dressing for the country allows you to wear shoes that would be completely out of place in the city. A good pair of boots is essential for walking through muddy fields. Even Wellington Boots are acceptable for everyone to wear all the time.

So there you have it. Hopefully you will be fully prepared for the country the next time you are heading out by following these tips.

What Sarie Wore #8

Its been a fair while hasn’t it. No excuse really, other than life has been VERY heavy as of late. We are still in the depths of summer over here in Barcelona. So with that in mind I have adopted some sort of daily uniform, which doesn’t particularly make for great outfit documentation/blogging. However thats cool. I have written here about how I seem to have adopted a sort of uniform. I guess thats growing up. You find you and feel better about it and everything seems to slip into that. So here is my summer look that I have been rotating on a daily basis. Its really too hot to care that much. Bring on autumn, tights and layers! I miss you.dscf8746dscf8737dscf8738dscf8728dscf8730 dscf8733 dscf8736 Shirt- H&M / Camisole- Topshop / Regular waist shorts- H&M / Necklace – &otherstories / Shoes – Birkenstocks.

What sarie wore #7

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Dress – Monki / Denim Jacket – Monki / Bag – Cambridge satchel company / Sunglasses – Hawkers / Shoes – Birkenstocks

So summer has well and truly arrived. Which for me means sweat, melting and hiding away from the intense heat of the Barcelonian sun. Out come the milk maid legs and dresses, sandals until October and wanting to live in a fridge. I lose my sense of style a bit in this heat, as not feeling like a gloopy mess trumps any sort of style decision. Its nice to wear floaty dresses and flounce around beautiful stately parks (this one being in Badalona). Also having lupus means I need to stay covered up, so light weight tops or jackets are a must. I would like to sew some little kimono jackets myself. Lets see if I can do that.

To find all my style posts, click here

Bits and pieces- week 18

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What a week. It has been filled with highs and lows. The low’s been very very low indeed. I have had many a hospital visit (infiltrations, new medicine etc). ATM it seems like the second round of Rituximab has worked and I can finally (for the first time in over a year) reduce my cortisone dosage. Which is a small, good new step (YAY!).

This week has been the hottest so far and I can say that summer has officially started. Sleeping and feeling sluggish and heat and the sun for me in general are terrible. I try to hermit away in the day as much as possible because I just CAN’T. But it is nice to get outside and go on little strolls either to the beach or the park. Getting my legs out and freckles on my arms.

Thursday night was so nice, getting out for San Joan. San Joan is crazy, fireworks and fire and noise everywhere. We went down to our beloved Poblenou (our barrio) and watched the parade of the Corre Foc, with its amazing percussion band, go and ignite the bonfire. We then walked along the beach and watch the fireworks and chinese laterns before sitting in a park talking about our future and drinking a clara. Perfect.

Waking up in tears to the news on friday, manic family chats and feeling genuinely shocked and scared at the state of things here, there and everywhere. I feel sad and scared for my future as an EU Migrant/citizen. Now more than ever borders need to be opened. I can’t stand this “Great” Britain rule Britannia island mentality. Which to be honest I find embarrassing- its actually something I have noticed more and more when going back. I am also VERY angry that my postal vote did not arrive on time and my proxy vote was unable to vote for me. DESPITE sending everything well in time. I am shocked to the core at some of the things I have seen people I know think and believe (everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs BUT when they are just down right offensive and racist etc it hurts my heart). I will write something more on this in the future as my head is fuzzy and still reeling from it all. Tuesday marks my 10 year anniversary so expect a post then.

Friday I escaped to my favourite place, sat on a rock and watched my busy, hot chaotic home from above and felt a sense of pride and belonging for one of the first times since arriving. It felt right to be where I was and looking at it all pan out from above I felt incredibly lucky and fortunate to experience it. I took a deep breath and felt instantly better. My favourite place is magical like that. It is healing and where I shall escape to more frequently.

Lets see what next week brings!