I miss the internet

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I do. I crave the days of geocities websites, livejournal and internet quiz’s. I miss hole.com message board (Shout out yo to all you out there!) and I miss how it was before social bloody wanking media squeezing out all the crap and shit. I hate how its about numbers and what bloody time of day to post and how as my dear friend Sarah puts it you have to talk about your business in “we” when its just you in your egg stained, dog hair covered pj’s spinning round in your cheapo broken office chair to Taylor Swift (don’t judge!).
I hate how you have to make your life seem spotless and amazing and so successful, how being sold a life to us that isn’t even real or the 50% makes us (me) feel shitty about my life and that I am never doing enough or am cool enough or have the right style or ethic to working. Being sold the freelancer dream whilst not sharing the gritty good real life bits?

I don’t know what I am, I don’t know what category I fall into. Both professionally and personally. I like making things. All different types of things. I feel like an artist and a maker and I do like drawing so I guess that makes me an illustrator- anything that allows me to explore an idea the best way. Thats what it is all about, the idea. I do not know how to market that though, and because its not very marketable how can I possibly do that? I like doing different things that involve me solving a creative puzzle and story telling. Coming up with ideas and solutions and experimenting. I like making things that explain how I see the world and also to put something out there that my words can’t really do. I feel that has all become quite watered down in the need to make that commercial and marketable. I feel like being on the internet and being over exposed to the over saturation of the craft/artist/maker makes you feel like you are passively living their lives from behind a screen and your stuff never quite matches up. I, like Sarah (who has greatly inspired this post), do not want to sit there and regurgitate the same bloody idea and production line product out for commercial success. I find it hard to swallow and there for have put this immense pressure on myself to be good enough to be able to do it and be good enough. I do want to have my shop and sell my things, and for those things to evolve and grow. I keep getting told to do one thing well and stick with it and then it can be recognisable. But will I be satisfied with doing that? Repeating the same drawing over over because it proved to be successful? And what happens when the internet gets over that and moves onto the next thing as it does so fickly?

I hate that you can’t vent or just express yourself or show any real life mess. I am scared to open my life up in such a way, filtering out all the shit with one fancy vscocam filter at a time. I like my mess and creative thought stream. I like realness and reading real stuff. Not copied stuff that has been regurgitated and spat out a million different times under the guise of a *sponsored post* or any other samey thing I seem to see. I get the sponsored post thing I really do, I get the amount of time it takes to run a blog. Why shouldn’t you get some sort of dividend from it? This isn’t really a rant about that, although sponsored posts are totally boring and unoriginally bland- can bloggers please find a GOOD way to do sponsored posts?

The thing is the internet used to be my escape where I could spend many a teenage evening chatting to people far away about obscure riot girl bands and buying weird vintage when ebay was new (before the myspace boom), it all felt like a big version of j17- cosy and comforting and like they just got it. The internet was for the weird and wonderful and where I finally felt like myself. Where I could finally be myself. I think thats where blogging and social media leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Its become so fake and glossy and normal to put a filter on everything and show off this desirable life of outfit posts and black and white everything interiors (YAWN!) hiding dirty underwear and all your crap out of sight (everyone has crap!). I have talked at great length with a few other bloggers about why we want to blog and what is blogging now and how shit it is that there are crap blog awards and people seem to accept this and think its a good thing? As I said so cliquey…. Worse than highschool! Seeing ~big~ blogs that aren’t actually that good when you scratch below the surface. Its just that they are popular. Much like the popular girl not actually being that nice or pretty but everyone thinks so because she is well, popular.

I have fallen ill to this blogging lark, feeling like I have to be a non human just to show of my professional side. Having to be professional rather than myself. Or whatever my image of having a proper blog is. Beating my self up for not posting at the right times of day, not having enough followers, not taking better photographs, not living in a tidy sparse flat, not posting regularly. Not creating the right thing and drawing in the right way. Not for having an exciting life. Putting massive pressure on myself to do things in such a way that feels so foreign to myself. Having to eatย clean and healthy and constantly blog about that, having to be stylish and into whatever I have seen on IG or pinterest. Having to post about certain things and be all finished and glossy. This feeling of missing out and not being good enough has trickled down into real life!

Most of all I miss the community. I miss finding that there are other weirdo’s who you can share your life with in a non kinfolky/instagrammy/pinterest way. I miss talking and connecting and even whining about things that only a handful of people in the world find wholly brilliant. I miss it not being all lifestyle and fake. I miss it being real and interesting. Before everyone was a stylist/photographer/designer/illustrator/maker.

I miss the internet before it became a weird marketable thing and I would like it back please! It doesn’t feel so freaky and rocknroll any more, its like it got all popular and forgot about the geeky weirdo at the back of the class. I feel like the internet forgot how to keep it real (only at eurovision does it truly shine!).

PS Pinterest has a lot to bloody answer for!

PPS Any fellow weirdo’s out there please hollarrrr!

9 thoughts on “I miss the internet

  1. the thing that really got me into the internet was actually livejournal, but more specifically finding other creative people, and people that led a bit more of an ~alternative~ lifestyle, without the need to constantly label themselves as so. they just got on with their lives, shared their work and from time to time had a rant about life or the struggles of trying to make a living as a creative.

    i don’t know if i am just in a total bubble, but most people i follow, engage and identify with are still the same kind of people. i have no issue how others lead their life, but i stick to people that make me feel something, make me laugh or just make fantastic work. i love pinterest and instagram, but i love them for finding amazing illustrators, colour combinations and cool textiles.

    for me, the internet is what i make it. i seek out people like me and i just don’t waste my time with stuff i don’t like! i find beauty blogs and most lifestyle blogs boring, especially the ones where everything is so glossy and *perfect*. i know no ones life is perfect, but it’s nice to connect with something that feels human and real. otherwise it’s bland nothingness. but the ones where there’s a creative edge or people being colourful, fun, or just a little …out of the ordinary? i love those.

    i don’t really know what my point is here, but i liked this post and i feel like you just have to work a little harder these days to find *your* people. they’re there, trust me!

    1. Oh fellow LJ love fest <3 All the best ones started out on livejournal.

      Thank you so much for your comment Laura, I really enjoy your blog and find your posts super inspiring and original...blogs like yours really make me feel like it is still a special wonderful place full of gooduns.

      I guess my point was more to do with the fact that I feel a little lost in the blogosphere and feel like the innocence of the early days has been a bit lost as its so oversaturated and overworked. Its a lot more work nowadays...thats a good thing though I reckon as it keeps those that are truly passionate at it but it also makes it harder for a sense of community and good content to really shine through.

      I too am an IG/pinterest addict but it all gets a bit too much for me sometimes and I need to switch off, I personally have become a little bit too passive in viewing and interacting with things. I guess that is what I was trying to write that I miss those days of non endless scrolling through things and being bombarded with the perfect etc. Good point on the illustrators though, I do mainly use Pinterest to find new loves.

      Thanks again for the encouragement, I do still have faith ๐Ÿ™‚

      Sarie xx

      1. oh, thank you, that’s always nice to hear ๐Ÿ™‚

        i think essentially now (like we’ve both said) you just have to put more effort in to find the people you really connect with, because of the oversaturation of more mainstream blogs/etc. but the more work you put in, the more reward you get, right? it’s such a good feeling when you find a person or people that really *get* you, isn’t it?

        it’s so easy to get internet fatigue too! it’s the worst when you don’t quite realise at first, then you suddenly feel lost at sea. i hope you find a boost of passion, a way to deal with the internet, just ..whatever it is you need to make yourself feel good! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Afternoon to you!!! I never really had the internet when I was a teenager, so unfortunately missed the wave of msn messenger and myspace and all those wonderful (then) new spangled things. I was thinking today about social media and how it makes me feel mostly icky. It’s an expectation that we as individuals be brands, that we categorise ourselves. Which tribe are we part of? The Fashionista? The Beauty Blogger? The Clean Eating Fitness Queen? The love everyone, post daily memes person? The Artist? The Poet? The Hippy Goddess? blah blah blah! I’m 30 now, thank god! Because if I had been younger in this time I would be crippled with social anxiety; that I don’t and never could match up to these beautifully curated lives. It’s such bullshit! I feel that this pressure to be something- to look interesting is really damaging to people’s self-esteem. I think actually, in this moment in my life I’m trying my bloody best to keep mind, body and soul together and cannot fathom trying to brand myself or make my life look sparkly and followable. As much as the temptation is to make my life look good.. you’ve got to work from the inside out. Posting a photo of something glamorous or streamlined doesn’t make life sweeter, in fact I believe it can make it harder when our expectations of how we control our environment don’t play out as ideally as our online presence would suggest! My life is not interesting … I do have an ig account and wonder why the hell I do sometimes. Luckily, I have enough belief (most of the time) in my self to not be carried away with the fakeness and inauthenticity of that cyber world, but i’m not immune and sometimes it makes me feel really shit and sends me into a funk for a while. It’s entirely destabilising and not often do I feel inspired by somebody’s photos. It’s life style porn, designed to engage with audiences so you feel covetous and then spend. Unknowingly people are contributing to the big turning wheel of capitalism under the guise of it being “community” or “connection”. It would be good to see more candid stuff again… the nitty gritty of what it is to be human and not some flounced up, filtered sponsored trademark. xxx

    1. Hello Laura! A very good afternoon to you too my dear ๐Ÿ™‚

      I am 30 too, and I think this has coincided with a lot of revaluing my self and who I am and where I am in life and not really feeling like I fit into any category or group (clique). I am not a mother, kinfolk nature lover (I LOVE nature don’t get me wrong but don’t do all the whimsy styling and photographing of it all), health freak and all of the categories you mentioned about that seem to be what people are blogging about now adays. Its weird and tribal. Social media has really impacted and coined the phrase “fomo” and its horrible.

      I LOVE LOVE your comment and everything you have said is what I was trying to write and encapsulate and yep, I feel like the true meaning or why blogging or having a community has been lost on numbers and followers and money etc. Its sad as there was such a good community before. However as I did mention it is a lot of bloody hard work running a blog, the imagery, photography, writing, planning etc i guess thats why some monetary benefit is appealing! However I think a blog should be secondary to that and whatever your product may be (i.e illustrator, photographer, stylist, maker etc).
      My belief in myself is strong too but gets shaken a lot of the time and lost in a cloud of doubt, I think writing this post and trying to keep my head down and keep on doing what I am doing will help lift me out of it.
      I am just so tired of seeing the same thing over and over and I am bored of the internet in that way, I honestly think I have seen the same blog post/photography/content on a thousand different blogs and its WEIRD. Maybe I am missing something or just don’t get it.

      Again thank you for your brilliant insightful comment, it really really resonated with me.

      What is your IG? Please stay in touch,

      Sarie xx

  3. HOLLAAAARR.

    I’m 28, I’ve been using Livejournal since I was 16 and I still update sporadically. I met some of my best friends on there, and still speak to them today. The internet is still full of fantastically weird people, you just need to scratch at the surface a bit harder in order to find them ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Hello Lauren,

      Oh hii fellow livejournaler. I too met some of my most special treasured people on there and miss that connection again. It might have something to do with being a lot more open at that stage in my life as I am now (now 30 :/) and not needing to share quite so much.

      You are right, the internet is still quite brilliant. I just feel its quite over saturated and bland at some points and understanding where I fit into all of that. I feel its all a lot less innocent and more about just good content than it used to be. I guess it is what you make it though and I do still feel that this is a brilliant place and outlet.

      Do you have any recommendations of these wonderful weird people that you follow? I would love to seek more people out.

      Thanks again for your comment ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Sarah! I am glad I’m not the only one that feels like this and it’s funny that my post has actually inspired people as I didn’t think people would even bother reading it. We can be ‘weirdos’ together, but to be honest I think we are normal and it’s everyone else that are weird and ridiculous for trying to edit everything out. People like warts-and-all as it’s interesting and people can relate to it. It’s nice to have things and people to aspire to, but I think people need to get the balance right. White-washed staged photos are not worth my time! I am sick of the site of them! X

    1. Glad to be a bit of a weirdo and not all sleek and normal. Your post made me feel refreshed and inspired and ready to get on with things in my own way. As blogging should be! ta love xxx

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