I do. I crave the days of geocities websites, livejournal and internet quiz’s. I miss hole.com message board (Shout out yo to all you out there!) and I miss how it was before social bloody wanking media squeezing out all the crap and shit. I hate how its about numbers and what bloody time of day to post and how as my dear friend Sarah puts it you have to talk about your business in “we” when its just you in your egg stained, dog hair covered pj’s spinning round in your cheapo broken office chair to Taylor Swift (don’t judge!).
I hate how you have to make your life seem spotless and amazing and so successful, how being sold a life to us that isn’t even real or the 50% makes us (me) feel shitty about my life and that I am never doing enough or am cool enough or have the right style or ethic to working. Being sold the freelancer dream whilst not sharing the gritty good real life bits?
I don’t know what I am, I don’t know what category I fall into. Both professionally and personally. I like making things. All different types of things. I feel like an artist and a maker and I do like drawing so I guess that makes me an illustrator- anything that allows me to explore an idea the best way. Thats what it is all about, the idea. I do not know how to market that though, and because its not very marketable how can I possibly do that? I like doing different things that involve me solving a creative puzzle and story telling. Coming up with ideas and solutions and experimenting. I like making things that explain how I see the world and also to put something out there that my words can’t really do. I feel that has all become quite watered down in the need to make that commercial and marketable. I feel like being on the internet and being over exposed to the over saturation of the craft/artist/maker makes you feel like you are passively living their lives from behind a screen and your stuff never quite matches up. I, like Sarah (who has greatly inspired this post), do not want to sit there and regurgitate the same bloody idea and production line product out for commercial success. I find it hard to swallow and there for have put this immense pressure on myself to be good enough to be able to do it and be good enough. I do want to have my shop and sell my things, and for those things to evolve and grow. I keep getting told to do one thing well and stick with it and then it can be recognisable. But will I be satisfied with doing that? Repeating the same drawing over over because it proved to be successful? And what happens when the internet gets over that and moves onto the next thing as it does so fickly?
I hate that you can’t vent or just express yourself or show any real life mess. I am scared to open my life up in such a way, filtering out all the shit with one fancy vscocam filter at a time. I like my mess and creative thought stream. I like realness and reading real stuff. Not copied stuff that has been regurgitated and spat out a million different times under the guise of a *sponsored post* or any other samey thing I seem to see. I get the sponsored post thing I really do, I get the amount of time it takes to run a blog. Why shouldn’t you get some sort of dividend from it? This isn’t really a rant about that, although sponsored posts are totally boring and unoriginally bland- can bloggers please find a GOOD way to do sponsored posts?
The thing is the internet used to be my escape where I could spend many a teenage evening chatting to people far away about obscure riot girl bands and buying weird vintage when ebay was new (before the myspace boom), it all felt like a big version of j17- cosy and comforting and like they just got it. The internet was for the weird and wonderful and where I finally felt like myself. Where I could finally be myself. I think thats where blogging and social media leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Its become so fake and glossy and normal to put a filter on everything and show off this desirable life of outfit posts and black and white everything interiors (YAWN!) hiding dirty underwear and all your crap out of sight (everyone has crap!). I have talked at great length with a few other bloggers about why we want to blog and what is blogging now and how shit it is that there are crap blog awards and people seem to accept this and think its a good thing? As I said so cliquey…. Worse than highschool! Seeing ~big~ blogs that aren’t actually that good when you scratch below the surface. Its just that they are popular. Much like the popular girl not actually being that nice or pretty but everyone thinks so because she is well, popular.
I have fallen ill to this blogging lark, feeling like I have to be a non human just to show of my professional side. Having to be professional rather than myself. Or whatever my image of having a proper blog is. Beating my self up for not posting at the right times of day, not having enough followers, not taking better photographs, not living in a tidy sparse flat, not posting regularly. Not creating the right thing and drawing in the right way. Not for having an exciting life. Putting massive pressure on myself to do things in such a way that feels so foreign to myself. Having to eat clean and healthy and constantly blog about that, having to be stylish and into whatever I have seen on IG or pinterest. Having to post about certain things and be all finished and glossy. This feeling of missing out and not being good enough has trickled down into real life!
Most of all I miss the community. I miss finding that there are other weirdo’s who you can share your life with in a non kinfolky/instagrammy/pinterest way. I miss talking and connecting and even whining about things that only a handful of people in the world find wholly brilliant. I miss it not being all lifestyle and fake. I miss it being real and interesting. Before everyone was a stylist/photographer/designer/illustrator/maker.
I miss the internet before it became a weird marketable thing and I would like it back please! It doesn’t feel so freaky and rocknroll any more, its like it got all popular and forgot about the geeky weirdo at the back of the class. I feel like the internet forgot how to keep it real (only at eurovision does it truly shine!).
PS Pinterest has a lot to bloody answer for!
PPS Any fellow weirdo’s out there please hollarrrr!